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Ugh.

February 24, 2010 By: Amandacomment

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Sometimes being a parent sucks.

Or, maybe it’s just that I suck at being a parent sometimes.

I’m sitting here in tears.

I just screamed at the kids.

I hate this.

The truth is, they don’t deserve someone yelling at them *ever*. But, sometimes it just all comes out. I didn’t yell yesterday when Bean stood in the middle of the floor in the bathroom naked and peed all over. And I didn’t lose my cool when big D took over an hour to write three sentences. And I’ve patiently answered V’s “why” at least a couple dozen times. I didn’t even say word one when the kids let the dog out the front door.

So, I guess it all bubbled up just now.

And here I sit crying.

Awww.. sometimes I guess I’m not so bad and this job isn’t so bad… little D just came in and told me he was sorry, and then Bean came in and gave me a hug. I got a chance to tell them that I shouldn’t yell and that I’m sorry, too.

Happy Birthday Dear V-Dog!

January 29, 2010 By: Amandacomment

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Our little guy is a year older today!

We woke up early and picked up Dunkin Donuts before school this morning. Then he got to go to a meeting with me (boring for him, but he loved telling everyone it was his special day). Then we went to Chuck E. Cheese to play a couple games (and let me ask a couple questions). Next we hit the mall & had lunch at the food court with little sister.

Now we’re all back home and the boys are playing in the yard.

I don’t know that it was all that magical or exciting, but I also don’t know that he’ll remember it anyhow.

I hope all of you who are local will get to come see us and help us celebrate together on Sunday. Much love to all of you who are far away. We truly miss everyone (more than normal) on these special days.

My Thoughts on Our Open Adoption

January 24, 2010 By: Amandacomment

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Where do I start?

Is it any wonder that I get *nothing* done around the house? I start in one place and end up clicking through blog upon link upon blog. Somehow I ended up reading several blogs on adoption this morning. And I almost feel like I’m the newbie. What do all of those words mean? Is my vocab wrong?

There are “first moms” and “second moms”… what happened to birth and adoptive? Or biological?? Are those offensive now?

In the classes I teach, we call our foster and adoptive families “resource families”. I don’t know that it properly explains anything though.

Recently, I got a letter from the bio-grandma of our boys. I was shocked. It was a good surprise though. I never expected to hear anything from that biological family. We’ve left the door wide open and hope that we can help our boys fill in the blanks when they’re older…

And I am thankful that she wrote. The letter and its contents will be for them in the future, when they are ready (or, when we think they are ready).  I am so glad that she has chosen to stay in their lives, at least in some small way.

I have amazing children. And it’s not all Brian and I parenting that has made them so. They didn’t come from a void (this is one of my famous quotes…). They came from parents and families and cultures that are different from ours.

And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I want them to grow and love themselves. I want them to know both who they are and where they came from. And I don’t really know any way to do this other than having an open adoption. I’ll never be able to answer their questions about their biological families. No matter what I do or how hard I try, they will likely have doubts and fears that I won’t be able to fill, only their biological families will be able to fill those voids.

At the same time, I can’t force the relationship either.

We can only open the door, we can’t pull anyone through.

This letter from bio-grandma was the first contact that we’ve had from any bio-family in years.

Sigh.

I don’t know that I’ve really been able to state my thoughts. But, maybe I’ve been able to provide a little food for thought?

Another thing that I *used* to do… coupon time!

January 13, 2010 By: Amandacomment

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So, I’ve been very neglectful of a couple of my SAHM duties.

My personal philosophy is that if I’m not working that part of my “job” is to save money where and when I can. I don’t pay retail! I’ve still been fairly successful at bargain shopping for most things, but I’d definitely not taken care of the groceries. And, our pantry and fridge were showing signs of the neglect. Never before have I had empty shelf space on the door. And my can collection was looking pitiful.

So, today I did my job. I got out the coupons. I had several weeks worth and I somewhat figured out when each of the papers came. And I went to town.

Here’s my success by the numbers:

  • CVS, my total before discounts was $151.33 , total after discounts and coupons was $84.75.. for a total savings of $67.59 or 44% off (and for those of you who know CVS, I have $47 in extra care bucks for my trrip next week)
  • At Fry’s (our local version of Kroger) my total before discounts was $204.66, total after discounts and coupons was $98.58… for a total savings of $106.08 or 53% off

I wish I could say that I did this on my own without any help, and I guess I *could*. But, that would be a lie! I use thegrocerygame.com. It does the hard work for me. It tells me where to find the coupons and when to buy items. I love this site. I’ve been using it for almost a year now and I don’t think that I’ll go back.  It does cost, but it’s not much, under $1 a week for each store that I use (I use CVS & Fry’s, but there are a bunch of other stores you can pick from). If you’re interested, you can do a free trial. Also, if you tell them that I referred you, I can work my way towards earning free months (plug, plug, plug).

Wanna see something cool?

November 6, 2009 By: Amandacomment

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I *think* I can now upload photos.

Like I said when I started this whole thing, I’m not the technical expert.

Now, if I could only magically make it so that our dude was adopted and I could share his photo. And if I could make it so that somehow I could screen each and every person who views this so that I could share photos of our new little two…. *THAT* would be some real magic. But, I guess we’ll all just have to settle.

Here are photos of my forever babies. We had a band of pirates for Halloween. And we were a sight. I swear our neighbors felt sorry for the kids. They were given loads and loads of candy. We still have several (dozen?) pounds.

I guess while I have the chance, I should post something with some substance, too.

Our family is having a rough go of it. Well, I don’t know that that is a fair statement. Actually, our little two seem to be adjusting well. They’re talking more. They’re starting to listen (sometimes). Bean is back to going potty in the toilet. And her personality has returned. But, she doesn’t have as much attention as before (that could be a good thing?). Our little guy (who really isn’t the little one anymore) is doing o.k. He actually has responded to the change very well. But, he still has some behavior issues. Sigh. And our older boys…. *OUR* boys… well, I think they’re taking it in stride.

So, I guess it should just say that I am having a rough time.

Today the little ones went to day care for the first time. I think that they enjoyed it. I know that I enjoyed not having to stress every second that they were out of my sight. But, I wasted the time. I vegged. I didn’t get done all of the things that I needed to. And now all of those things are still waiting for me. I guess shutting down in stressful situations doesn’t really work with the lifestyle that I’m embarking on.

So, I don’t know what is ahead.

I don’t know how long I will be a mother of 6.

Please, keep us in your thoughts. And if you see a mom who looks like she is having a rough patch, just smile and think of me.

Things you should know about foster parents.

August 12, 2009 By: Amanda1 Comment

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I don’t vent (much) on here, but was just thinking about some of the things that get a little annoying as a foster parent. And I *know* that most people do not mean harm or ill will, so I figured maybe I could pass along a little education so that next time you meet a foster parent, you won’t say anything offensive.

For the record, I really don’t get offended.. just a little annoyed.

Here it goes;

*Please don’t ask if I have any “real” children. All of my children are real. None are made out of plastic. And even if they aren’t my children forever, they are my children from the day that they come into our home. And they will always be my children in my heart, even after they leave.

*It’s rude to ask where my kids came from. They all came into the world the same way you or I did. They were born to a mother. They have a father. And it shouldn’t matter if their birth parents are here or there.

*Yes, my children know they aren’t biologically mine. Most of mine look nothing like me!

*I can’t tell you what happened with their biological parents. Would you like it if I were out an about airing the worst of your deeds to all of the general public?

*I don’t know when they will go home.

*Yes, it is very hard to “give them back”. But, they have a family. And I want the very best for my kids.

*No, I do not have a special place in heaven. Nor do I view what I do as God’s work. Honestly, I started fostering out of my own selfish want to be a parent. Now that we took the leap, we know we can handle it and we want to continue to help children. You could do the same. Even a small thing can help the life of a child. So, stop making me out to be a hero and look inside yourself for what you could do to help society–even if foster children aren’t your passion, you certainly could be doing good somewhere.

*Yes, I have my hands full, but it’s not really a compliment when you comment on it like that.

*Even though I am Caucasian, it hurts me deeply when you make racist comments. Those are my children you are talking about.

*Just like my children aren’t plastic, neither am I. I am the “real” mom. The woman who gave birth is also real, she’s the biological mom. I’m either the adoptive mom or the foster mom or just mom. You’re pick. Just keep in mind that none of this is pretend. It’s all very real!

*Just because my children weren’t planned (per say) and we didn’t wait around 9 months for them, does not mean they should be celebrated any less. I’m not saying that there needs to be a shower for every child who comes into a home, but if you’d make a dish for a new mom, it’d be nice to offer a meal for a new foster parent.

*The behaviors you see from my kids are not because they are bad kids. Every behavior is an expression of a need. But, when kids go through trauma and neglect sometimes they don’t learn the “correct” (whatever that means) expression. My kids have to go through and unlearn and awful lot and we’re all trying really hard here.

*There are about a bazillion easier ways to get rich than through foster care.

*The foster parents you see on the news are not the normal foster parents. They’re usually horrible people. Please do not judge me based on the news.

*Foster parents don’t look a certain way, they aren’t a set religion. There’s no set age. Each parent who chooses to foster makes that decision for his or her own reasons. You really can’t pick us out of a crowd.

*Adoptions are a *big* deal! I didn’t just have an accident with a condom. I have fought for my kids. I have gone to court. I have cried with joy and wept with sorrow. I don’t even know what else to say about it. Just know that when we invite you to celebrate with us, when we share the news about an adoption… it’s very important to us.

*If you’re buying gifts for one of our children, please include all of them. If you can’t afford to buy for all of them, don’t buy anything at all. If you want, just buy one thing for them to share. Or just go to the dollar store. I will cover for you, or try, but it hurts my feelings as much (if not more) that my kids. I love them all. I hate that some people can’t see that. If anything, my foster kids need more than our forever kids.

*Nearly all foster children just show up with the clothes on their body. And we know nothing about them. No child should have to go without. No child should have to lose a family.

*My children aren’t going to just “get over” being in foster care. Even when they’re adults, they will still have two sets of parents. Please continue to respect us and them as we continue to learn and grow together.

*Although I may be crazy. Me being a foster parent is not the evidence 🙂

*Even though we don’t say it often enough, and despite the fact that our actions and words might be evidence to the contrary, we appreciate the people who’ve stood by us. We know that this process is hard on our friends and family, too. We are sorry that our kids have taken away the friend, daughter, son, sister, parent that we used to be. We aren’t busier on purpose. We don’t want to take you for granted. Thank you for being there for us!

****Oh, and last (for now), but not least… I do *NOT* need a minivan! Ha! That one’s in there for a couple people, I’m sure you know who you are.****
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