So, our oldest asked about his biological family recently. We have worked hard to keep a connection for him & his siblings. We have a family tree and photos. We have shown them all of the photos. And we have kept every single letter for them. We know that genetics matter and history matters. But, he is not in a good place. He decided to run away when he didn’t like the rules… no drugs, no vaping, go to school. Needless to say, he is self medicating with pot and other substances. He has decided to let his mental health issues go untreated. And he is an adult. We cannot keep him locked up. We have done every.single.thing in our power to love and support him. And we continue to hope that he will come around, come back home, and progress to adulthood with a high school diploma.
Anyhow, he is in a rough space mentally, emotionally & physically. And he is communicating with his biological family for the first time since he was 4 years old.
And, he has welcomed them with open arms. And it scares me to death! So, here is what I would love to say to her/them.
Dear Bio Mom & family,
I hope you are enjoying talking with your son. His kind heart and his generous soul are amazing. I hope you don’t take advantage of them and hurt them like you have in the past.
The other day you said something about how us giving him a new name was making you mad… How you only were able to give them names & lives. I promise, we didn’t mean to hurt you by changing their names. We were welcoming them into our lives. We were bonding with them… when I got married, I took my husband’s name… and when we adopted, we shared that name with them as well.
BUT, you didn’t just give birth and a name. You gave trauma… The trauma of being abused and neglected and passed from family member to family member. You gave them genetics… genetics that we are learning include some heavy duty mental illness stuff. And, you gave them the lasting affects of whatever you inhaled or drank while you were carrying them. I have no clue what else you gave them, but I do know there are some scars we cannot explain.
AND, you were allowed to give them everything! You were given chance after chance. Three years with each case… Plenty of time to find a job and a safe place for them.
Now, you are getting another chance. You are getting a chance to step up and apologize for what you did. You are getting a chance to jump in and help.. and he needs help! You could be encouraging him to return to high school. You could tell him that saving his money for his bills is a better priority than a tattoo. You could tell him about your history with the law and the legal system & encourage him to stop some of the dangerous & illegal things he is doing now. You could give him the gift of honesty. Let him know that you haven’t parented all of his siblings either. Tell him the truth about where they are. You could stop referring to your husband as his step-father. Because he is not his step-father. He is a stranger who is married to his biological mom. His mom is married to his dad & we both love him very much.
Feel free to jump in and love him. He needs it! Feel free to help him and guide him. But, no matter what you say to him… you will always be biological mom. I have the sleepless nights, the panic and worry, I have the years of school and friends and girlfriends. I was the one at his practices and games. I was the one who got the call when he was hurt. I was the one that he cried to when you let him down again and again. I am the one on his birth certificate. I am mom.
Or, what I really said…
I hear that you have been connecting with D. I hope that he is getting all of his questions answered. And I hope you are enjoying getting to know him. He is an awesome kid.
I do have a couple favors to ask though… First, he has really been struggling lately. Before COVID hit, he was on track to graduate on time, but now he has dropped out of High School. We would love it if you would share with him the importance of an education. Second, I would appreciate you not speaking poorly of us. We weren’t perfect parents, but we have done our best and given your boys all of our love and attention.
We all hope to see him as a healthy, happy, successful adult. And, hopefully you can help him.