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Dear Bio Mom

June 15, 2020 By: Amandacomment

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So, our oldest asked about his biological family recently. We have worked hard to keep a connection for him & his siblings. We have a family tree and photos. We have shown them all of the photos. And we have kept every single letter for them. We know that genetics matter and history matters. But, he is not in a good place. He decided to run away when he didn’t like the rules… no drugs, no vaping, go to school. Needless to say, he is self medicating with pot and other substances. He has decided to let his mental health issues go untreated. And he is an adult. We cannot keep him locked up. We have done every.single.thing in our power to love and support him. And we continue to hope that he will come around, come back home, and progress to adulthood with a high school diploma.

Anyhow, he is in a rough space mentally, emotionally & physically. And he is communicating with his biological family for the first time since he was 4 years old.

And, he has welcomed them with open arms. And it scares me to death! So, here is what I would love to say to her/them.

 

Dear Bio Mom & family,

 

I hope you are enjoying talking with your son. His kind heart and his generous soul are amazing. I hope you don’t take advantage of them and hurt them like you have in the past.

The other day you said something about how us giving him a new name was making you mad… How you only were able to give them names & lives. I promise, we didn’t mean to hurt you by changing their names. We were welcoming them into our lives. We were bonding with them… when I got married, I took my husband’s name… and when we adopted, we shared that name with them as well.

BUT, you didn’t just give birth and a name. You gave trauma… The trauma of being abused and neglected and passed from family member to family member. You gave them genetics… genetics that we are learning include some heavy duty mental illness stuff. And, you gave them the lasting affects of whatever you inhaled or drank while you were carrying them. I have no clue what else you gave them, but I do know there are some scars we cannot explain.

AND, you were allowed to give them everything! You were given chance after chance. Three years with each case… Plenty of time to find a job and a safe place for them.

Now, you are getting another chance. You are getting a chance to step up and apologize for what you did. You are getting a chance to jump in and help.. and he needs help! You could be encouraging him to return to high school. You could tell him that saving his money for his bills is a better priority than a tattoo. You could tell him about your history with the law and the legal system & encourage him to stop some of the dangerous & illegal things he is doing now. You could give him the gift of honesty. Let him know that you haven’t parented all of his siblings either. Tell him the truth about where they are. You could stop referring to your husband as his step-father. Because he is not his step-father. He is a stranger who is married to his biological mom. His mom is married to his dad & we both love him very much.

Feel free to jump in and love him. He needs it! Feel free to help him and guide him. But, no matter what you say to him… you will always be biological mom. I have the sleepless nights, the panic and worry, I have the years of school and friends and girlfriends. I was the one at his practices and games. I was the one who got the call when he was hurt. I was the one that he cried to when you let him down again and again. I am the one on his birth certificate. I am mom.

 

 

 

Or, what I really said…

 

Dear Bio-Family,

 

I hear that you have been connecting with D. I hope that he is getting all of his questions answered. And I hope you are enjoying getting to know him. He is an awesome kid.

I do have a couple favors to ask though… First, he has really been struggling lately. Before COVID hit, he was on track to graduate on time, but now he has dropped out of High School. We would love it if you would share with him the importance of an education. Second, I would appreciate you not speaking poorly of us. We weren’t perfect parents, but we have done our best and given your boys all of our love and attention.

We all hope to see him as a healthy, happy, successful adult. And, hopefully you can help him.

 

Thanks,

 

His Mom

School’s Out

October 2, 2018 By: Amandacomment

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Most of our kiddos are on a modified-year-round school calendar. It’s really nice.. basically, it means that Summer is a little shorter, but Fall & Spring breaks are longer. I love it because it’s so stinking hot here that Summer is long enough even at six weeks. And, it gives us time to travel if we would like during the breaks. This year, however, we will be home for the break. D is still in class most of the time, he does have a couple days off, and B is working a lot, as am I. So, we will try to sneak in fun. Yesterday fun = an afternoon movie & using our Pogo Passes for free Glow Golf. Today, we are heading back to the movies.

I feel bad because my kiddos are stuck helping me when they are home. But, I sort of don’t… Caring for others is so good for them! They get to have a little one who thinks they are the coolest kid ever. And they get to learn a little patience… putting shoes on a three year old is harder than they think! And, probably my favorite thing, it forces them to unplug and play! V & B love making forts & the littles love playing in forts. They create games and scenarios that the littles don’t even start to understand, but everyone is having fun and laughing.

It’s raining a ton here. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t cause any serious flooding. The park by our house is already about halfway full.

 

It’s Not All My Fault

September 13, 2018 By: Amandacomment

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It has been really, really ugly around here. Thankfully, they take turns, but it feels like one kid is having a complete behavioral meltdown. And, this one has been a doozy!!

And, as a parent, I look inward. I second-guess everything. I ask what I’ve done wrong.. and what I can do better and why am I failing?

But, the truth is… we are doing our best. And this isn’t our fault. Some of it is just kids being kids, some of it is age appropriate (not ok, but “normal”), some of it is because the world is changing *really* fast and teens (and their parents) are still trying to catch up with technology and new social norms.

And, with our kids, that’s not all. Our kids have their genetic makeup–one that we don’t really know. And they have been through trauma. Even in the very best of all foster/adoptive situations, there is trauma. And, foster care, leaves an imprint.. Here are some stagering statistics:

  • 40-50% of former foster children end up homless within 18 months of leaving care (I am not sure, but I am hoping/assuming that this is based on kiddos that aged out of the system)
  • 25% of foster youths will be incarcerated within 2 years of emancipation
  • Former foster youths suffer from PTSD at a rate of 6 times the general population and double the rate of veterans returning from war
  • Eight of ten (81 percent) males have been arrested compared to 17 percent of their peers who were not in foster care
  • Adolescents who were in foster care are nearly four times as likely as to have attempted suicide as their peers
  • Persons with a history of foster care are diagnosed at a significantly higher rate than the general population with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder, and Antisocial Personality
  • A variety of studies reported that 30 to 40 percent of foster children have been arrested since they exited foster care. Over one-fourth have spent at least one night in jail and over 15 percent had been convicted of a crime. This compares with only 3.2 percent of the general population who were on probation, in jail, or on parole in 2005

I don’t like to focus on this much… And it’s easy for people to dismiss with our kiddos–our kids came to us relatively young and they have a stable home and family. But, it’s there. Don’t believe me? Want to learn more?

http://www.fostercare2.org/ask-the-pros-2/

https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/featured/suicide-and-the-foster-child

https://adoptioninchildtime.org/bondingbook/striking-back-in-anger-delinquency-and-crime-in-foster-children

And, honestly, I would love to say that I spent hours combing through info to find this, but I didn’t. This was a five minute search to see what I could find.

So, before you judge, just realize that some things are not because of poor parenting.

I did it!!

February 27, 2017 By: Amandacomment

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Not that there was ever a doubt, but I finished another half marathon.

I will say, however, that it was not an easy run. I had phone issues. I ended up running about half of the race in silence. Yuck! I also had some wardrobe issues. I just couldn’t get things adjusted right. And, this is TMI, but I also had some tummy issues. I had to stop twice and wait for a port-a-potty.

But, I am grateful that I have the privilege of a bad run. And I am lucky that this bad run was one in a whole lot of good runs.

Life is good!

 

IMG_7104 IMG_7105 IMG_7109

Happy Holidays

December 21, 2016 By: Amandacomment

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img_3255-1

Christmas 2015

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Cruising away October 2016

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Christmas 2016

I can hardly believe it’s nearly Christmas. And I have so many things to do! I should be wrapping or cleaning or cooking or something. But, I wanted to sit down for a bit. Well, to be honest, I was eating and to eat I sat down and I sat down in front of the computer. And, as we all know, once you sit down it can be really, really, really hard to get back moving.

Anyhow, while I embrace the lazy for a second, I also give myself to think about the past year. And it has flown by! There were some massive hurdles this year.. parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart! And there have been some massive successes–one of those teenagers has stayed out of trouble for months now!

One of the little guys I used to watch has grown so big that he no longer needs a baby sitter and has moved onto preschool. And my other little dude just became a big brother!

My youngest two are growing like weeds and my teens are my height (& maybe even taller). They all are beautiful (I assure you it’s true, not just the mommy goggles!). And they have these amazing personalities that are so fun to watch.

I keep seeing all over social media how awful 2016 has been and how ready my friends are for it to be over. But, I don’t want anything to rush! I want time to slow down! Maybe even on those really horrible days… Then maybe we can appreciate the good a little more.

Anyhow, the laundry and wrapping and cleaning calls.

Merry Christmas!

Yes, we are alive…

August 22, 2016 By: Amandacomment

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And, I am enjoying the fact that I am only working 2 days a week and the kids are all in school!

I am working out. Dad is working about 15 different jobs. D is working out on the football field. V is working on my last nerve. And B is working on her splits.

Hopefully I will post more soon!

VACATION!

May 27, 2016 By: Amandacomment

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?? Sort of!

The kids are out of school.

Good= No homework.
Good= Minimal fighting since they are all separated and staring off at screens.
Good= No early alarm clocks for them.
Bad= Still need an alarm for me–gotta get to the gym still and I still have my little guys to watch.
Bad= Four kids who need lunch every.single.day.
Bad= Football season has started already?? That means I am a taxi cab.
Good= Arizona hasn’t gotten the memo about the break and it’s still beautiful out.

My Gym Beat Me…

May 3, 2016 By: Amandacomment

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As in defeated. They do dole out some harsh physical punishment, but no actual beatings.

However, today, I was beaten.

I have been dealing with a strain of my achilles’ tendon. I don’t think it’s even a partial tear (the only way to really know is an MRI that I will not be paying for). But, it did hurt and it has kept me from running.

On my drive to the gym this morning I really wanted to turn back around and go home. I was already sore all over from the previous days, I was (am!) tired. I just didn’t want to do the gym. But, I didn’t turn around.

In fact, I decided that I would try to run! And I did. I ran the first few little laps as part of our warm up, until I tried to skip and my heel informed me that there would be *no* skipping.

The gym has been good about modifying and working around this pesky injury of mine, but it’s meant that pretty much all of my cardio has been on the elliptical trainer or the bike. I don’t like those machines anymore. I just want to run! I was stewing in those thoughts as I watched everyone else warm up.

Then, in our first cycle of exercises I was supposed to do a pull up.. Thankfully, they had some support if we weren’t strong enough to do a pull up (spoiler, I am not!). But, I wasn’t even with the support. I spent the first minute just trying to figure out how to use the help. The second round was pretty much the same. The third I just struggled… And then, my body truly betrayed me. I started tearing up.

I cry during runs. Usually if I make it farther than 9 miles, there will be tears. But, I am in my own world then. I am not in a gym with hip hop blaring surrounded by other people who *can* do a pull up. I am not frustrated by injury.

I was so very tempted to go to the bathroom and have a good cry. I was half tempted to just grab my keys and leave forever.

But, I did neither. I sucked it up, wiped my eyes and kept going.

I don’t know that there was really a victory.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I replay the morning. And I know it will be very, very hard to go back tomorrow.

MOTY

March 26, 2016 By: Amandacomment

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In case you didn’t know, MOTY = Mom of the Year.

And I fully expect the award. For reals. I survived a two week break with all of my kids home plus my extras. And my husband worked all of the weekends and we didn’t go on a trip. On top of that, I only lost my mind one day. And, even then, it was only for a few minutes. Seriously. I am waiting for my award.

My proudest moments…

March 7, 2016 By: Amandacomment

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I struggle with self-doubt. I wonder if it’s just because of my gender. But, I often feel less-than. I struggle with my worth. Even though I love to run & I have accomplished so much with it, I usually finish races feeling bad about what I did. It’s hard for me to not down-play. It’s even hard for me to admit that I am a runner.

All of that being said… I do have some pride. Most of it surrounds my kids!

And this week has been a good week for that!

V & B both were in their school talent show. B’s Brownie troop made it in with a little skit. Out of 50 acts that tried out, she was in one of only 12 that made it. And they did a really good job! V’s class did some line dancing… And, even though he will *not* admit it, he willingly participated and was sort of excited about his partner.

Then, this weekend we went running… V & B did a 1.5 mile run with their running club. Neither won or placed, but V worked hard! He actually beat his sister and had a decent time. B learned how to pace this year. And that is a cool thing to see!

After their race, Dave watched them so that Dan & I could run the 5k. Dan is still a speed demon. He placed third in his age group.

As we were driving away, I was telling them how cool it is to be a parent. Those moments that I get to watch them succeed are just so very cool. There’s nothing like it. I think that watching them succeed feels better than doing it myself.

1 run win

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