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It’s Really Easy from the Sidelines…

September 18, 2018 By: Amandacomment

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When I was younger, my mom was going through some of the same struggles I am now. Literally. She had a teenager who made some of the same or similar choices to my son. There was lying and hiding and even a little drug use. I remember thinking of what I would do that would fix everything. I remember offering to have him live with me.

But, now I know.. when you are facing it, it’s not easy. It’s not black and white. Never for a second did I doubt my mom’s love for my brothers. And I hope that nobody doubts mine.

Fast forward a few years, when we first got our little Bean, there was a chance to meet her bio-grandma… The only things I knew about her mom were that her mom was a meth addict and that Bean had a different dad than the other kids, but her mom was still married to the dad of the other kids. And I was clinging to the fact that her mom was a user… When I met her grandma, I expected to see the mom of an addict. And I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong. I met a grandma who could have been my mom or my mother-in-law (they all share the same first name!). She loved her daughter and adored her grandkids. She wanted nothing but the best for them all. And she was making the best choices that she could.

I know that being a foster parent meant automatic judgement. And I am learning that being the parent of a teen who makes stupid choices equals automatic judgement.

What is hard for me, is that I am learning that even the people who I thought knew us, are judging us harshly. And it has really been hurting me. Especially since they have no clue what goes on in our house. They don’t know what consequences our kids have faced. And they haven’t been there with the crisis team. They haven’t been there in the family hugs when we are all hurting so badly.

And I think it’s easier to assume that we must be doing something wrong. I think that if they admit that there is a chance that we aren’t culpable, that they can tell themselves their child will never do anything like that. I think if they can lay blame on something, they can tell themselves that it will never be them. I think that assuming that we aren’t doing our jobs makes it easier to sleep at night. Maybe unconsciously even. I even blame myself at times, surely I have failed at motherhood to have to deal with what we’ve dealt with… And I am sure that there are things that I could have or should have done differently. But, I am also sure that I have done my best. Our family has sought and found resources for mental and behavioral health. We have found a team to support and help our kiddos. And we are just beginning to see progress!

Way back when I was teaching PS-MAPP, I would tell my future foster families that it is so easy to judge the bio-parents. And it is. And it can be easy to hate them. But, if we were judged on our worst day everyday, how would that look? As a teenager, I worked and volunteered, I was a better-than-average student, and I was super involved in my church.. But, I lied to my parents, I drank occasionally, I did all sorts of stupid stuff. And I think that most of us did. Thankfully, we don’t have to wear those bad choices on a shirt every day.

What’s my point? Heck if I know!! I just know that I am hurting. And I know that I don’t deserve that.

Whatever you do, don’t ask Google

September 8, 2018 By: Amandacomment

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Have you ever felt miserable and googled your symptoms? Ever done a Web MD search? Did you find out that you probably have cancer and the type of cancer that you have is likely fatal?

It’s the same for criminal stuff. If you love someone who is facing charges, don’t Google. You just don’t want to know. Navigating the courts is scary, but, in this case, I think that it’s scarier knowing the possible outcoms.

In other news, parenting teenagers continues to be challenging. It is unlike anything that I ever imagined. I thought that navigating the foster care world would be the hardest thing we ever had to do as parents. And, it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t know. I would have missed out on the amazing days. The days with smiles and hugs and laughs. The pride of seeing them succeed. I wouldn’t wish our recent experiences on my worst enemy & I wouldn’t trade my kids for all of the money in the world.

The Positive Side

July 27, 2015 By: Amandacomment

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adoption-party-073Teaching the class I taught to future foster/adoptive parents, there was one common complaint among my students. Class after class they would tell us that we were too negative. We only shared the hardships of fostering. We only shared the horror stories.adoption-party-030

Now, even though we are no longer fostering, I still try to keep connected to foster and adoptive parents.

And, honestly, so very much of what they share is their hardships, their struggles… It’s hard work. It’s life in the trenches.

I spend a lot of my time still fighting the affects of early childhood trauma. Even though we closed our license years ago, and we are a forever family, those scars remain. More than that, some of the wounds haven’t even healed!

But, today is not the day to dwell on that. Today is a day to celebrate!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

A few months after they moved in with us

The reason we never shared the good in being a foster parent… It’s because it doesn’t need to be spoken. It’s obvious. From the first second you even think about fostering, you can already picture the child you will love. The instant you meet them, you fall in love. The good is so abundant.

Today is the day that our family became a forever family.

After three years in the system our boys were finally ours!

They are the good.

So hard to imagine life without them.. How did we survive before?

How did that happen?

December 13, 2012 By: Amandacomment

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I just turned around and my sweet little baby is 6!

She is so tall and grown up and she can do *math*. It doesn’t seem right. I keep begging her to stop growing and stay little, but she refuses.

Love that girl.

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If I would have known then what I know now…

September 5, 2011 By: Amandacomment

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I have so many people around me who are waiting on their phones… families waiting for foster placement, for adoptive placement, for the call to set up travel for international adoption… It’s all so exciting! It makes me miss the days that we were waiting on that phone to ring. And that makes me think about those first few calls when we knew so little.

I thought I’d make a little list of things we would have loved to have known then…

 

  1. Just because they call and you say “yes” doesn’t mean that anything is going to happen. Until that kid is at your door, no need to do much of well.. anything! If you “have” to do something, clean! LOL!  When they’re looking for a foster placement they are really just making a plan. At the same time as the agency is calling you to see if you’re interested, CPS is still looking for biological family. They’re also considering other options–is there another adult who could be in the home with the children as a safeguard? Could bio-mom go to drug treatment with the child? So, just because they call.. no need to panic. We have had a dozen calls or so that we said “yes” to that never were placements. We even had one that we waited 2 days to hear that we wouldn’t get placement.
  2. Don’t be alarmed when they call you the next day to see if you have the kid. Such an odd call to get, but, here, we’ve gotten that call several times. I chalk it up to different departments not talking to each other.
  3. Just because they call you for a little girl who’s 1, don’t expect to have a little girl aged 1 show up at your door. If you know us at all, you’ve probably heard the story again and again, but it’s one that, I think, bears repeating because it’s so crazy that I wouldn’t believe it if it didn’t happen to us. I was at the gym working out when B called because they’d called him about an 11 month old little boy. We were thrilled! Our boys were almost 3 & 4 and we knew that they’d do great around a toddler. Well, a couple hours later, A came into our lives. He was obviously *not* 11 months old! He was, in fact, a couple weeks shy of 2. So, we had said yes to a placement that was a disaster for our young family. All three boys were less than 2 years apart in age and within 5 lbs of each other as far as size. For the time that A was with us, the only time that there wasn’t at least one kid crying was when they were all asleep… which brings me to the next point.
  4. Just because you say “yes” doesn’t mean you’re right. As a foster parent, it’s drilled into to not take placements that you can’t handle and not to let placements disrupt and all that jazz. And those are good and valid points. But, disruptions do happen. And there’s no way for you to know what will come with each placement. Yes, use your best judgement, but realize that you’re human and your crystal ball probably isn’t any better than mine.
  5. Kids don’t need that much stuff. We were always really worried about having the right things. We went out and bought tons of clothes and toys for our boys before we’d even seen them.. and then, when they were finally moved in with us, they came with buckets of stuff! LOL! Don’t get caught up in the drama of trying to buy a whole wardrobe the first day… Or, you could end up like we did with a dozen dresses and a little girl who refused to wear them. As you foster longer, you’ll get to make a network of friends who can help you with new placements. We have been incredibly lucky to have such generous friends and family who have provided so much for each of our spoiled little foster kiddos!! But, the truth is that all of that stuff isn’t important. It’s more important just to be there doing the selfless thing you’re already doing.. they stuff will be there if you need it. It can be expensive taking on a child or two or three who often come with only the clothes on their backs.. don’t stress out about it though. It will be o.k.
  6. Lice aren’t the end of the world. They’re no fun, but they can be dealt with.
  7. Keep some disposable stuff on hand and frozen meals there for the first couple of days/weeks. Paper plates and plastic cups can just give you the extra half our each day that you might need. It’s o.k. to have a little extra waste while you’re adjusting. When people have bio-babies, family and friends bring meals.. Unfortunately, I’ve never had *anyone* offer to do this for us. But, you are going through even more of an adjustment than someone bringing home a newborn. After all, the newborn you’re bringing home will be going through withdrawls. And, yes, the 4 year old is potty trained and should be able to sleep through the night, but good luck getting either of those to stay true through such a traumatic time in his life.
  8. Laugh. It’s o.k. to make really inappropriate jokes. This is a really crazy time, but it will pass.

 

Gotcha!

December 7, 2010 By: Amandacomment

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So, I know, I *told* you that it’d be awhile because we were moving. And I lied. It has been awhile, but we’re still in the same house. Boxes are piling up around me, but no move has happened. In our new economy, things just don’t go the same way that they used to in the house-buying arena. So, the close of our new home has been delayed.. I hope (well, I know it’s been delayed, I just *hope* it’ll still go through).

Anyhow, it will be o.k. This gives us more time to pack up all of our stuff. Have I mentioned how much stuff we have? We have a lot of stuff! I’ve been plugging right along packing a box or two a day.

In the meantime, we have had a little more excitement. Our little Princess is now 4!

Her birthday was on Sunday, but we just keep the party rolling… We celebrated on Saturday by going to go see Yo Gabba Gabba!

Bean with the Gabba Gang

 Bean Enthralled by the Show

Before Going with Bean in her Mommy-made Foofa Shirt

Then on Sunday we celebrated with cupcakes (Bean is still waiting on a *real* cake.. she might be waiting for awhile) and her Aunt Brandy…

Lots of Helpers

Which brings us to today. Today is another special day. Birth parents get to have the whole 9 months to prepare. They can have a pregnancy journal and a shower and all that sort of stuff. Adoptive parents get a “Gotcha” day! It’s a little controversial in some adoption circles, but for us, with our long waits and uncertain future as foster parents, we choose to celebrate. Today is the day that our little girl came to our home. I believe that I shared the story last year, so I won’t bore you, but it’s pretty cool how quickly she became our daughter. Happy Gotcha Day, Miss Bean! We love you!

Wooohooo!

October 22, 2010 By: Amandacomment

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I think this is amazing news for children in foster care in Florida.

Florida has been very slow in allowing same sex couples to adopt and now they’ve finally lifted the ban (read more here).

Right now there are at least 560 kids in foster care in Florida waiting for a forever family. Hopefully this change will end that wait for some of them.

Really?

October 22, 2010 By: Amanda4 Comments

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I need to vent. Again.

I know that not a lot of people understand adoption. And I realize that I’m extra sensitive since I’ve adopted and come from a family with adopted children. But, here’s the conversation I had with the cashier at the grocery store.

Her: Where did your daughter get her nose, from you or your husband?

Me: Well, she’s adopted. So, I don’t know. But, I like to think that she looks like me.

Her: It is a cute little nose. Is your son yours?

Me: Yes, he’s mine, but adopted, too.

Her: Oh, well they look just like brother and sister.

Me: They are brother and sister, just not biologically…

I smiled and remained calm, but come on lady! Ugh! She needed to stop.

I was so proud of myself for telling her right away that they are brother and sister. Typically when people say stupid and rude stuff like this I’m too dumbfounded to come up with a proper response. And I really hope that she wanted to stick her foot in her mouth.

I know that she meant no harm. But, I also know that if I don’t vent, if I don’t let people know the correct vocabulary, my kids will have to deal with this forever (they probably will anyhow, but maybe I can change one or two people for them).

Adopted children are still *my* children. And they’re still real. If you want to distinguish between adopted, foster, or biological. Those are the words you use.

For example…

“Do you have any biological children?” Totally cool!

“Do you have any of your own kids?” Totally rude.

“Are they brother and sister?” Rude if you’re implying that genetics make a family.

“They look alike, are they biological siblings?” The right way to say it…

I know it seems petty and odd, but it’s important to me. So, if you care about someone who loves a child who’s not biologically theirs, then maybe it’s a good lesson. Unless we talk about it and confront the way that society approaches alternative family building, it won’t get any better.

These are changes that have happened in other realms. We used to say handicapped, now we’ve learned to say developmentally delayed. And it make sense.

I’m just asking you to be a little more P.C. for me 🙂

The Story of Vinny

September 16, 2010 By: Amanda1 Comment

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Way back in 2006 we got a call for a little guy named “A”. They told us that he was 11 months old. We knew that D & d’s mom was pregnant and due at some point in the early part of the year, but we didn’t know exactly when so we went ahead and said yes to A. It turns out that he was 23 months old… And it was a disaster of a placement. We had three little boys ages 1, 2, & 3… and in the month and a half that A was with us, they all had birthdays. Crazy times! 

Right in the middle of all of that our Vinny was born. We’d been hoping that Vinny would come to us straight from the hospital. Looking back, it’s likely a good thing that didn’t happen. We were still baby foster parents at that point. I don’t know if we could have handled a newborn with D & d and I know for a fact that we couldn’t have with A added into the mix. Although, I would have loved to have spent the beginning of Vin’s life with him. 

When he was just a little guy, he got to see his big brothers every week. They went on visits to see their bio-mom and Vin was there with her. I even have a picture of their bio-mom when she was pregnant with Vin 🙂 

When he was about six months old, the boys stopped having visits with her. So, they stopped seeing him, too. We’d pretty much given up hope of having him as a part of our family. 

That’s why we were in shock when we got a call a year later! In that year, they’d severed the rights for D & d’s parents.  And we’d taken placement of our little Bean. We were literally only a couple weeks away from adopting D & d when we got the call that would (again) change our lives. The lawyer for Vin called us to ask if we knew that he was in foster care. She wanted to know if we wanted her to let the caseworker know that we were interested in taking placement. Of course, we said yes! I remember calling our agency (somewhat frantically) trying to see what we’d need to do to get our license changed. 

It turns out that I didn’t need to change the license. I needed patience instead! 

We got that first call about Vin in July of 2007, but it wasn’t until October 1st that he was *finally* moved to our home. I can’t say that I really was all that patient. I know that I made more than my fair share of phone calls before his placement finally happened. 

When he showed up I couldn’t believe my eyes. No, really, I thought they had the wrong address! Where did those baby blues come from? 

Can you believe those eyes?

So, poof, we were a family of 6. I had always joked that the reason that Vin was never placed with us was that I didn’t look like the mom of a Vinny. And, yet, I was. 

When he came he was only 20 months old. Such a little guy. Bean was 10 months old at the time. And I had my hands very full. I tell new foster parents that the first few weeks of having a foster placement are really bad. But, you won’t remember them, so you’ll be willing to do it again. When he came to us, we knew what the roller coaster of being a foster parent meant. We’d been through the torture of court dates and extensions and visits. With your first foster placement, you don’t know any better. This time, we knew what was ahead of us and we still wanted to dive on in. 

As with all foster children, the plan for Vinny was reunification. He was in foster care while his biological family had the time to work on their issues and work the case plan so they could get him back. Another layer of his story was an out of state relative. He had lived with a couple in a different state for several months before coming into care. They loved him very much (still do) and were also asking the courts to have him moved to live with them. 

We knew all of this from day 1, so my mission was to get as much out of this chance as possible. I wanted to give the boys the chance to know their brother (all three). I didn’t know if he’d be here for a week or a month or forever. So, I reminded myself as often as possible (although, not often enough) to get out the camera so that I would always have at least a piece of him. 

You try getting 4 kids to look at you and smile..

  

So, it began. Our lives as his parents. When he had first come into care, they hadn’t called us because he’d been living with the out of state family who only spoke Spanish. So, they looked for a Spanish speaking foster home. They never asked us if we spoke Spanish! I translated for the first few weeks, maybe even a month. I was the crazy lady walking through the grocery store with a bunch of kids, speaking Spanish to the white kid and English to the Mexican kids. Even though Vin didn’t talk much at that point (can’t say the same now!) he still stumped us on a few words in Spanish. It was Halloween time & our neighbors used to make a haunted house. When he’d see their house he’d say, “Cucui”.. We had no clue what he meant, but we have some friends who helped us out. 

We were also lucky to have friends who helped us with clothes for our little guy. He came with very little and an amazing mom from a chat board that I frequent sent a whole box of clothes for him. I remember sitting there going through the box with tears streaming. It was such a hard time for us and to have a “stranger” reach out and care about our little guy meant the world. 

Back then, Vin was having visits twice a week with his biological parents. He’d go see his bio-dad one day a week and then his bio-mom one day a week. 

It was hard. 

Even though he liked being at the visits, he hated to go. He’d run and cry when they’d come to pick him up. 

And, it was hard on the older boys. They didn’t really “get” what made Vin their brother when he was a stranger. And they didn’t understand why he went to see his bio family. 

But, time went by. And we figured things out. The guy who’d come to get Vin started bringing a Lego catalogue with him and Vin would happily go with him. Eventually, the visits moved to McDonald’s and Vinny couldn’t wait to go. 

Over time Vinny became as natural as every other part of our family. We figured out how to take four kids in public. He learned how to hold my hand in the parking lot. He started talking and could tell us what he wanted. And he started to become Vinny. He’s never looked at things the same way our other kids do. He’s always surprised us. Last Christmas, we went to the mountains to go see Brian’s parents. When we were talking about the snow Vinny was very concerned. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to breathe in the snow. That’s just the way that his mind works. 

 

He’s definitely been a challenge to how our minds work. We don’t know much about his life before us. But, we do know that he’s slow to trust. We know he’s very intelligent and at times even a little wise. And we know that he’s our son–through and through.

In the middle of 2008, the visits that Vin was having with his biological dad stopped. And the visits with his biological mom were erratic. 

Of course, we were hoping that this meant that he was getting closer and closer to being ours forever. But, foster care would never be that easy. In January of 2009, Vin had a new caseworker who was ready to move him back into his biological mom’s house. I left court that day in tears. Thankfully, his Guardian ad Litum (GAL or lawyer) stepped up and asked that the court do a little more investigation before he was moved.

In the time that the courts and the case worker did bonding assessments and looked more at his needs, we spoke to his biological mom a few times. She became more comfortable with us. And, eventually, she told the caseworker and the judge that she was ready to give up her rights.

Since we hadn’t heard from bio-dad in such a long time, we thought that severance for him would go very quickly. And, as you know, nothing is quick in foster care! So there were delays.

But, now we’re here. Today we were able to finally adopt our son!

Court was on time (wow! shocker!), and we were so lucky to have a court room full of friends and family to support us on this very joyous occasion. And I only cried a little.

Thank you for all of your support and love over the past few years on this road to forever.

Forever!

 

AAAHHH!

September 14, 2010 By: Amandacomment

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And, no, that’s not a nice calm “Ahhh…. “, you know a sigh… it’s more of a, “What the heck was I thinking? Can someone please slow down time? How will it all get done?”, kind of scream.

I cannot believe that time decided just now to speed up. It’s so unfair!

Only 2 more days until court. I was talking to V about it on the drive to Head Start. And I started to cry.

V: Why are you crying?

Me: Because I’m so happy that you’re going to be all mine.

V: I love you, Mommy. You’re the best Mommy.

Then he reached out and we held hands for a bit. Oh, shoot, here come the water works again!

I updated my list of R.S.V.P.’s (I know nobody is surprised that I have it all on an excel file) and right now it looks like we’re going to have right around 60 people here to celebrate on Saturday. I am so excited to see everyone. It is something that *needs* to be celebrated. But, at the same time, that number is feeling a little scary. I really need to focus if I want to get the house clean & ready for a crowd. I can’t wait to see those of you who are local. And, for our farther away friends, I will be posting about a million photos very soon! I’ll be able to (finally) post photos of our cute little guy. And I will want to share our celebration with you via the computer.

******

In a totally different area of life (not that life can be divided–it completely refuses to when I ask it), I have gotten actual comments on this blog from people I don’t know “in real life”. And I’m so excited! I’m so honored that someone would read about us and our journey. I love reading other people’s blogs. But, I’m really bad about posting comments. So, a huge “Thanks” to anyone who doesn’t “know” me who’s chosen to learn more about us. And a huge “Thanks” to those of you who’ve passed along this site.

One of the things that was so interesting about the beginning of our foster careers to B & I was how little we really knew. We didn’t know how the system worked. We weren’t aware of parent’s rights, we knew nothing about the courts. We had a hard time finding services and figuring out what our role really was. And I started teaching PS-MAPP for that very reason. I don’t want anyone to go into fostering without knowing (at least a little) what’s in store for them. And, now as we’re nearing the end of this era… V will be our final adoption… I only hope that our experience will live on through another family that picks up the torch and decides that they are ready to foster. I hope that I can help at least one family along that road…

Gee-bus.. here are the tears again!

Thank you!!

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