Once again (or maybe it’s an all the time thing now?) I am struggling… I am fighting depression and my addiction (food). And, while I own the fact that I am the one with the power to fight and I am the one with the issues, I also started thinking about PCOS. And the role that PCOS has in all of this mess. And I got angry. I hate PCOS.
If you don’t know PCOS, or even if you do, you may not realize how much of my life has been impacted by this stupid syndrome.
Here are the top 10 things I hate about PCOS.
10. The treatment options… Birth control pills are really the only things that can help with PCOS. And many of them make me even more insane!
9. Those treatments above? Well, they *only* treat your cycle. They do nothing with the other horrible things that PCOS causes… What are those? Well, keep reading!
8. The acne. I still have acne. It was horrific when I was younger, and has gotten better. But, I never am completely acne free.
7. The hair! I won’t go into too many details, but it’s embarrassing! I wax my chin and my upper lip. It’s expensive and annoying and never gone. Every time I look in a mirror I get some little wispy reminders of the PCOS that has taken over so much of my life.
6. The weight gain. PCOS means that losing weight is harder for me. Gaining it? Really stinking easy!
5. The depression. PCOS can cause depression.
4. The menstrual cycles… I could go on BCP (and likely kill a family member). So, I battle my cycles. Sometimes they come every other week, sometimes every few months… Sometimes they last three to four weeks. I am not over exaggerating or stretching the truth. This is my “normal” and it’s been like this since I was 12.
3. The other pesky side effects that loom in the distance for me. Women with PCOS have a higher risk for heart disease and diabetes.
1. All of this combined… PCOS has taken over my life. I never viewed it as a big deal. And many days I can just forget about it. But, the truth is that it has shattered my dreams. I wanted to be a mom for my entire life. I am a mom, but I still mourn the loss of my fertility. Even though I am a mom, I am not the best mom that I could be. I spend a lot of my life fighting these issues listed above. That’s time and energy that I could be using on my marriage and my children and my life. Instead I fight the stupid battles against depression and carbs.
I typed up the rest of this and was thinking about it on a walk this morning and one last thought occurred to me… Sadly, I am actually a lucky one. There are many women out there who are fighting all of the above, but don’t even know the name of their enemy. PCOS is also often undiagnosed. I consider myself lucky to have had doctors who put the pieces together when I was still in high school.
There’s no call to action at the end of this. There’s nothing that can be done. I just ask that you have a little understanding and realize that, while I may be a little crazy, it’s not all my fault 😉
But, if you are interested in learning more (or seeing if I am making this up), here are a few places you can learn more.
The other day I walked up on a conversation about Facebook.. Really, about how fake we all are in our on-line personalities. And I am, too. Even on here, I guard myself. I try to protect myself and my kids and my husband. I only share bits and pieces. And what I do share tends to be the good, the pretty. Even when I share my struggles, I carefully craft my thoughts. I don’t share the whole story.
And I think there’s some good in that. This blog will likely remain down the road. There’s a (small) chance that my kids will read it. There’s a bigger chance that my parents or husband will read this and could be hurt by something that I say.
However, I started this way back when… when we were in the thick of foster care. And I started it to connect with other people who were foster parents or were considering fostering.
And now I write to connect still.
How can I connect if what I share isn’t real?
I think what I do share is real, but it’s still less than the whole truth.
So, I’m sorry about that.
I hope that if anyone reads this they break free from the fake a little bit… I want to know the real you.
I am annoyed.
The husband would say that I am always annoyed. And there may be some truth to that.
However, he did agree with me last night.
My current annoyance? Slactivism! If you ever are on the interwebs you have encountered slactivism… It’s the thousands of stupid share of causes and gofundme accounts. It’s the false outrage over something that *literally* had never been discussed by a poster before. It’s the stupid petitions.
Everyone is talking about this lion that died.
And it’s sad.
But, it’s nothing compared to the real problems in the world. Compared to a person being hurt, hunted, killed.. A lion shouldn’t be worth your outrage.
Actually, let me take that back. Go ahead and have a little passion. Go ahead and get angry. Go ahead and rant and share. BUT, then you *must* do more!
I have a proposal. If you want to care about something I propose that you actually care. I think before you share your cause you should put some skin in the game. You love a politician enough to post about him or her? Before you do, pitch in a little to their campaign or donate some of your time or donate to a cause they stand behind. You want to complain about how little teachers earn? Go ahead! As soon as you donate a little extra. If you are a teacher, then share some resources with your kids’ teachers. Or, write to your local politicians and ask to have property taxes a little higher.
If you want to care about this lion, you may. If you want to post about it, I ask you to donate to some wildlife preservation causes..
Originally I was thinking $5 would be a great per post donation requirement. Now I think we could go much lower.. Even a quarter!
I am so tired of everyone having their fake causes. And they are so very fake. Posting about abused dogs and doing nothing in real life is an insult to the dogs you claim to care about.
Go ahead and feel. And then finally do something!
Teaching the class I taught to future foster/adoptive parents, there was one common complaint among my students. Class after class they would tell us that we were too negative. We only shared the hardships of fostering. We only shared the horror stories.
Now, even though we are no longer fostering, I still try to keep connected to foster and adoptive parents.
And, honestly, so very much of what they share is their hardships, their struggles… It’s hard work. It’s life in the trenches.
I spend a lot of my time still fighting the affects of early childhood trauma. Even though we closed our license years ago, and we are a forever family, those scars remain. More than that, some of the wounds haven’t even healed!
But, today is not the day to dwell on that. Today is a day to celebrate!
The reason we never shared the good in being a foster parent… It’s because it doesn’t need to be spoken. It’s obvious. From the first second you even think about fostering, you can already picture the child you will love. The instant you meet them, you fall in love. The good is so abundant.
Today is the day that our family became a forever family.
After three years in the system our boys were finally ours!
They are the good.
So hard to imagine life without them.. How did we survive before?
One of my favorite little weight loss sayings..
And it is true!
What they left out in there is that maintenance is nearly impossible! I googled a couple years back and the fact is that the deck is stacked against me. Keeping weight off is virtually impossible. A quick search popped up…
I am one of the ones who has failed. I have failed over and over and over again.
But, I also am one of the success stories. I am not at my lowest weight right now. But, I am also not at my highest. A few years back I dropped over 50 pounds. I have kept at least 25 of that off ever since. Right now I am 46 pounds lighter than my heaviest. I am still obese and I am still fighting the battle. But, I have won. And here is a little photographic proof…
I am going to put this up here and leave it for those days that I need a reminder that I am a loser 😉
I think/hope that it’s pretty obvious in just my face.
You may think you have the best dad, you may think you picked the best father for your kids. But, you’re wrong!
I picked best. B and I have our issues. Sometimes we struggle at this thing called marriage. But, there is one thing that we are awesome at. We are amazing parents together. We had no clue when we wed that our biggest strength would be our ability to parent together. And B is even more amazing because he took the leap.. he took the risk of parenting foster kids. I tell people that we took the step to foster for selfish reasons, and that is true. But, I was the one pushing us to that path and B let us go. He was brave enough to parent kids who were hurting and hurt and he did a great job. And he continues to be an amazing dad as we face the new challenges of being parents to teenagers and adolescents.
And I like to think that I was so good at picking because I had such a great role model.
My dad is the best!
I could write a book about why he is the best… I think I will save that for another day. Today I will share one thing. A year or two ago he asked me to talk to him about his legacy. He wanted to know how I will remember him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t speak the words aloud. He means so much to me that thinking of him gone is a little much to talk through. I did write down my thoughts for him.
And my biggest thought was how, even though I am grown, he is still working on being a better father to me.
I am a lucky woman.
Hope you all are enjoying the special men in your lives today, just know that they are not the best in the world. I already have that market cornered.
With Facebook & Instagram & my whole on-line life I am out in big ways. People across the country & around the world are my “friends” and they are often my biggest connections, most personal relationship, biggest fans.
And I do share a lot of me, this blog has huge chunks of my life story. I have shared my family, my weight losses and gains, my running.
I have shared some of my personal struggles with depression and anxiety. I have shared some of the struggles of parenting.
But, there are some things I cannot put out there. Some of the things I am dealing with are too big and too raw and too scary to share. And that means that I traverse those alone.
After my full marathon, I was in pain. If I am being honest, that race took away a lot of my passion for running. I have stuck with it, but none of my races have been great. My times have been slower. *And*, I have been packing on the pounds. I gained about 20 pounds during training. And I have added another 20 since then.
Being heavier makes running so much harder.
Anyhow, being fatter and slower still hasn’t stopped me from at least trying.
Today I ran another half marathon.. I think it was #10?
No records were broken.
But, I wasn’t either!
This course was hilly and involved gravel & lots of dog poop. But, I didn’t let it beat me.
I ran that race.
I rocked that race.
Tomorrow, I start watching my diet again. This will be restart 283 or so. But, at least I am trying.
My next half is already planned.. I have a good 6 months to get a few pounds off and pound a lot of pavement.