Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

Why? This one goes out to the foster parents…

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I get the struggle. I really do. I’ve been there and done that.

 

But, I’m really frustrated with the decisions that some really good foster parents I know are making. It’s such a small, silly thing, but it can put your placements at risk. We aren’t allowed to share photos of our kids with the world. It’s just the rule. It’s a rule that’s there to protect our fragile little ones. It protects them from their biological families in some ways. In other ways, it protects the biological family. And, even if it doesn’t really serve that purpose it’s still a rule. There are lots of silly rules we have to follow. But, we’re the adults. We knew the rules when we started playing the game. And if we break the rules, it’s our children that will pay the penalty. I can’t think of a more stupid reason (I’m sure that CPS has a few) to have a displacement than a foster parent sharing photos of their foster child, but I see foster parents do it all the time.

 

Please, for me, take your kiddos down from your Face Book page. And don’t show them on your blog. Keep them safe and protect them. Follow the rules for them, not for yourself.

 

And, in the long run, it will be worth the wait. I *cannot* wait for the first post that I can share my little dude with you all. He’s beautiful. And I desperately want the world to know him as my own, but he’s not yet. And there’s nothing that I would do to risk him leaving us. It’s just not worth it.

Wanna see something cool?

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I *think* I can now upload photos.

Like I said when I started this whole thing, I’m not the technical expert.

Now, if I could only magically make it so that our dude was adopted and I could share his photo. And if I could make it so that somehow I could screen each and every person who views this so that I could share photos of our new little two…. *THAT* would be some real magic. But, I guess we’ll all just have to settle.

Here are photos of my forever babies. We had a band of pirates for Halloween. And we were a sight. I swear our neighbors felt sorry for the kids. They were given loads and loads of candy. We still have several (dozen?) pounds.

I guess while I have the chance, I should post something with some substance, too.

Our family is having a rough go of it. Well, I don’t know that that is a fair statement. Actually, our little two seem to be adjusting well. They’re talking more. They’re starting to listen (sometimes). Bean is back to going potty in the toilet. And her personality has returned. But, she doesn’t have as much attention as before (that could be a good thing?). Our little guy (who really isn’t the little one anymore) is doing o.k. He actually has responded to the change very well. But, he still has some behavior issues. Sigh. And our older boys…. *OUR* boys… well, I think they’re taking it in stride.

So, I guess it should just say that I am having a rough time.

Today the little ones went to day care for the first time. I think that they enjoyed it. I know that I enjoyed not having to stress every second that they were out of my sight. But, I wasted the time. I vegged. I didn’t get done all of the things that I needed to. And now all of those things are still waiting for me. I guess shutting down in stressful situations doesn’t really work with the lifestyle that I’m embarking on.

So, I don’t know what is ahead.

I don’t know how long I will be a mother of 6.

Please, keep us in your thoughts. And if you see a mom who looks like she is having a rough patch, just smile and think of me.

He’s getting a tattoo, yeah, he’s getting ink done. He asked for a 13, but he got a 31…

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TattooAs most of my friends know, I have a tattoo on my lower back. I got it when I was 20, before the term “tramp stamp” was coined. It’s a Woodland Violet. I picked it for a few reasons. One, it stands for my sorority. Secondly, it reminds me of my mom–she always had African Violets. And it’s pretty and girly and I just liked it.
They say that tattoos are addictive and once you get one, you’ll get more. Well, I have no clue if that’s true or not, but I’ve always wanted a second. I wanted a lion for the longest time. However, I could never find the right one. They always looked angry or mean or cartoonish (is that even a word). I couldn’t find one that looked like it was simply strong.
Then, as we started adding our children, I wanted a tattoo that would represent them.
We have had two foster children who have come and gone from our home. And both of them have had a huge impact on me. And, I think, we have had a similar impact on them. One little guy came to us not speaking at all. He had food issues and behavioral issues. Each day that he was here was a struggle for us. When he left, however, he was speaking in 3-4 word phrases. He wasn’t eating out of the trash anymore. He had come a long way. And I was his mom for the short time that he was here.
Our last foster kiddo was much the same. While there weren’t the huge issues at the surface, there were trust issues right below the surface. There was a sadness that was there in the beginning that had all but vanished at the end.
How could I think of my children without counting those two in the flock?
Anyhow, as I contemplated, someone suggested birds to represent my children. And I thought it so appropriate. All of my kids are only here in the nest for a time. We are growing them all to be able to leave as adults. And they will all take a part of my heart with them–just as our other kids already have.
So, each of these birds is for one of my children.

Things you should know about foster parents.

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I don’t vent (much) on here, but was just thinking about some of the things that get a little annoying as a foster parent. And I *know* that most people do not mean harm or ill will, so I figured maybe I could pass along a little education so that next time you meet a foster parent, you won’t say anything offensive.

For the record, I really don’t get offended.. just a little annoyed.

Here it goes;

*Please don’t ask if I have any “real” children. All of my children are real. None are made out of plastic. And even if they aren’t my children forever, they are my children from the day that they come into our home. And they will always be my children in my heart, even after they leave.

*It’s rude to ask where my kids came from. They all came into the world the same way you or I did. They were born to a mother. They have a father. And it shouldn’t matter if their birth parents are here or there.

*Yes, my children know they aren’t biologically mine. Most of mine look nothing like me!

*I can’t tell you what happened with their biological parents. Would you like it if I were out an about airing the worst of your deeds to all of the general public?

*I don’t know when they will go home.

*Yes, it is very hard to “give them back”. But, they have a family. And I want the very best for my kids.

*No, I do not have a special place in heaven. Nor do I view what I do as God’s work. Honestly, I started fostering out of my own selfish want to be a parent. Now that we took the leap, we know we can handle it and we want to continue to help children. You could do the same. Even a small thing can help the life of a child. So, stop making me out to be a hero and look inside yourself for what you could do to help society–even if foster children aren’t your passion, you certainly could be doing good somewhere.

*Yes, I have my hands full, but it’s not really a compliment when you comment on it like that.

*Even though I am Caucasian, it hurts me deeply when you make racist comments. Those are my children you are talking about.

*Just like my children aren’t plastic, neither am I. I am the “real” mom. The woman who gave birth is also real, she’s the biological mom. I’m either the adoptive mom or the foster mom or just mom. You’re pick. Just keep in mind that none of this is pretend. It’s all very real!

*Just because my children weren’t planned (per say) and we didn’t wait around 9 months for them, does not mean they should be celebrated any less. I’m not saying that there needs to be a shower for every child who comes into a home, but if you’d make a dish for a new mom, it’d be nice to offer a meal for a new foster parent.

*The behaviors you see from my kids are not because they are bad kids. Every behavior is an expression of a need. But, when kids go through trauma and neglect sometimes they don’t learn the “correct” (whatever that means) expression. My kids have to go through and unlearn and awful lot and we’re all trying really hard here.

*There are about a bazillion easier ways to get rich than through foster care.

*The foster parents you see on the news are not the normal foster parents. They’re usually horrible people. Please do not judge me based on the news.

*Foster parents don’t look a certain way, they aren’t a set religion. There’s no set age. Each parent who chooses to foster makes that decision for his or her own reasons. You really can’t pick us out of a crowd.

*Adoptions are a *big* deal! I didn’t just have an accident with a condom. I have fought for my kids. I have gone to court. I have cried with joy and wept with sorrow. I don’t even know what else to say about it. Just know that when we invite you to celebrate with us, when we share the news about an adoption… it’s very important to us.

*If you’re buying gifts for one of our children, please include all of them. If you can’t afford to buy for all of them, don’t buy anything at all. If you want, just buy one thing for them to share. Or just go to the dollar store. I will cover for you, or try, but it hurts my feelings as much (if not more) that my kids. I love them all. I hate that some people can’t see that. If anything, my foster kids need more than our forever kids.

*Nearly all foster children just show up with the clothes on their body. And we know nothing about them. No child should have to go without. No child should have to lose a family.

*My children aren’t going to just “get over” being in foster care. Even when they’re adults, they will still have two sets of parents. Please continue to respect us and them as we continue to learn and grow together.

*Although I may be crazy. Me being a foster parent is not the evidence 🙂

*Even though we don’t say it often enough, and despite the fact that our actions and words might be evidence to the contrary, we appreciate the people who’ve stood by us. We know that this process is hard on our friends and family, too. We are sorry that our kids have taken away the friend, daughter, son, sister, parent that we used to be. We aren’t busier on purpose. We don’t want to take you for granted. Thank you for being there for us!

****Oh, and last (for now), but not least… I do *NOT* need a minivan! Ha! That one’s in there for a couple people, I’m sure you know who you are.****

What a day for a daydream

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Can you believe it? Look at those babies! They were so little. And so very cute! I guess somethings haven’t changed that much. I’m going to kick myself if I can’t find the pictures that I’m looking for. Somewhere on this computer, I have pictures of Daniel and David the first day they ever came to our home. These pictures are within the first month or so that they were with us, but I will always remember them as they were that first day. They both had on overalls. They were so tiny and so curious. Brian and I were so nervous and excited and full of anticipation and hope and fear. I found the pictures!

We got the call at the end of July. There was a little guy at the house that I was doing respite for. They called and asked us if we’d be interested in two little boys. A two year old and a three year old. And, of course, we said yes. The first time we went out to meet the boys, we couldn’t get past the door. The caseworker had forgotten to let the shelter know we were coming so we were stuck waiting. The next time we went we played with the boys. It was clear how loved they were. The workers at the shelter had cared for our sons like they were their sons. Daniel told Brian as soon as he could, “My mom is sick, but she’s going to get better and come get me.” I think we should have known we were in trouble at that point.

We went back a week or so later and took the boys to McDonald’s. We *really* should have gotten the hint at this point! David climbed straight to the top of the play structure and then started bawling. He could get up, but not down. I scaled that sucker as fast as I could.

I joke that foster care is a lot like child birth.. thankfully you don’t really remember how bad it was or you’d never do it again! I know that I was so anxious for them to come to our home. I remember shopping at yard sales before seeing them. I remember just waiting for the phone to ring with an update. The first ride to our home with the boys, I just kept trying to get them to talk.

After a couple weeks, on August 11, 2005, Daniel and David came home.

They didn’t sleep through the night. Daniel regressed in his potty training. David would mutter, “stupidhead” to himself all day long. I was working full time still. I swear, Brian didn’t eat for at least a week or two. On my first day back to work, I called Jason (Brian’s cousin) to come over. He didn’t get why Brian would need company until he showed up.. when he got here, one of the kids was standing on the coffee table, the other was hitting the big screen with a matchbox car. Ha!

I don’t think that either of us thought it was funny back then.

The first time that I knew that I was mom was when I first took Daniel to day care. I think it was only a day or two after he was placed with us. Daniel wasn’t a very emotional kid back then and he kept his distance from me–I was not his mom at that point. Anyhow, I got there and took him into the room and walked out and as soon as I got a couple steps out he started crying.

I cried and sobbed and bawled the whole way to work. I hated that day care for not scooping him up and fixing all of his problems. I had fallen for him, hard.

And, as I wipe away the tears, it’s very clear that it wasn’t puppy love. Those boys have filled my soul. They made me what I was born to be–a mom. And they made us a family.

Brian and I never knew how good we were together until we became parents. It’s our biggest strength as a couple. And we had no clue until we added those little guys to the mix.