Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

If I would have known then what I know now…

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I have so many people around me who are waiting on their phones… families waiting for foster placement, for adoptive placement, for the call to set up travel for international adoption… It’s all so exciting! It makes me miss the days that we were waiting on that phone to ring. And that makes me think about those first few calls when we knew so little.

I thought I’d make a little list of things we would have loved to have known then…

 

  1. Just because they call and you say “yes” doesn’t mean that anything is going to happen. Until that kid is at your door, no need to do much of well.. anything! If you “have” to do something, clean! LOL!  When they’re looking for a foster placement they are really just making a plan. At the same time as the agency is calling you to see if you’re interested, CPS is still looking for biological family. They’re also considering other options–is there another adult who could be in the home with the children as a safeguard? Could bio-mom go to drug treatment with the child? So, just because they call.. no need to panic. We have had a dozen calls or so that we said “yes” to that never were placements. We even had one that we waited 2 days to hear that we wouldn’t get placement.
  2. Don’t be alarmed when they call you the next day to see if you have the kid. Such an odd call to get, but, here, we’ve gotten that call several times. I chalk it up to different departments not talking to each other.
  3. Just because they call you for a little girl who’s 1, don’t expect to have a little girl aged 1 show up at your door. If you know us at all, you’ve probably heard the story again and again, but it’s one that, I think, bears repeating because it’s so crazy that I wouldn’t believe it if it didn’t happen to us. I was at the gym working out when B called because they’d called him about an 11 month old little boy. We were thrilled! Our boys were almost 3 & 4 and we knew that they’d do great around a toddler. Well, a couple hours later, A came into our lives. He was obviously *not* 11 months old! He was, in fact, a couple weeks shy of 2. So, we had said yes to a placement that was a disaster for our young family. All three boys were less than 2 years apart in age and within 5 lbs of each other as far as size. For the time that A was with us, the only time that there wasn’t at least one kid crying was when they were all asleep… which brings me to the next point.
  4. Just because you say “yes” doesn’t mean you’re right. As a foster parent, it’s drilled into to not take placements that you can’t handle and not to let placements disrupt and all that jazz. And those are good and valid points. But, disruptions do happen. And there’s no way for you to know what will come with each placement. Yes, use your best judgement, but realize that you’re human and your crystal ball probably isn’t any better than mine.
  5. Kids don’t need that much stuff. We were always really worried about having the right things. We went out and bought tons of clothes and toys for our boys before we’d even seen them.. and then, when they were finally moved in with us, they came with buckets of stuff! LOL! Don’t get caught up in the drama of trying to buy a whole wardrobe the first day… Or, you could end up like we did with a dozen dresses and a little girl who refused to wear them. As you foster longer, you’ll get to make a network of friends who can help you with new placements. We have been incredibly lucky to have such generous friends and family who have provided so much for each of our spoiled little foster kiddos!! But, the truth is that all of that stuff isn’t important. It’s more important just to be there doing the selfless thing you’re already doing.. they stuff will be there if you need it. It can be expensive taking on a child or two or three who often come with only the clothes on their backs.. don’t stress out about it though. It will be o.k.
  6. Lice aren’t the end of the world. They’re no fun, but they can be dealt with.
  7. Keep some disposable stuff on hand and frozen meals there for the first couple of days/weeks. Paper plates and plastic cups can just give you the extra half our each day that you might need. It’s o.k. to have a little extra waste while you’re adjusting. When people have bio-babies, family and friends bring meals.. Unfortunately, I’ve never had *anyone* offer to do this for us. But, you are going through even more of an adjustment than someone bringing home a newborn. After all, the newborn you’re bringing home will be going through withdrawls. And, yes, the 4 year old is potty trained and should be able to sleep through the night, but good luck getting either of those to stay true through such a traumatic time in his life.
  8. Laugh. It’s o.k. to make really inappropriate jokes. This is a really crazy time, but it will pass.

 

Hope and Change

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No, I’m not going political. I think I’d lose a couple if I went there.

Rather, I am surrounded by exciting things as far as foster care! I have an on-line friend who just received her license to do foster care. And I have an old sorority sister who is currently in the process of going through the classes. It’s so exciting to get to see this process from the outside. I feel like I should be knitting sweaters.. Ha! They’re both “pregnant” with children who may already be born and out there and needing a foster mom. I just love the fact that I will get to see the changes in those foster children and the growth of those families. It’s just so darn cool.

*And* I have another friend who just adopted two children. I have lots of friends who have adopted, but these children are Native American!!! That’s huge! I actually wrote a huge long post about ICWA and caring for Native American foster children that I never posted (I might get back to it soon…). Long story short, it’s hard to adopt Native American foster children. I got chill bumps when I found out that these adoptions had finally gone through–they were literally years in the making. I’ve been hearing for years that the tribe is changing and that there will be more adoptions in the future. And I really am hopeful that it’s true.

For now I’m just tickled about all of the wonderful and exciting changes that I see all around me!

One Quick Hint…

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I know that some of the people who read this blog came here because I’m a foster mom (although, we don’t have any foster kiddos.. ha!)…

And it just occurred to me that I have a trick that I don’t think I’ve shared on here. Being a foster parent comes with some risk. The kids that are in care come from unsafe environments and that danger usually is because of what the biological parents either did or didn’t do. We’ve been very lucky and have had mostly positive interactions with the biological parents that we’ve dealt with, but that’s not always true. And the truth is that you just don’t know who you’ll be dealing with. So, I advise foster parents to be careful. When they share photos, I tell them to make sure that the address isn’t in the photo, or that you can’t see their license plate….

One of the easiest ways to find someone is through their phone number. A few years ago, I decided that I wanted us to be unlisted. I didn’t want anyone to find us through our phone number. Our kids were starting to learn it and I knew that whatever they are learning they repeat. So, I called the phone company. I don’t remember the exact number, but the phone company was going to charge us every.single.month to be unlisted. I thought it was ridiculous. I even called another phone company to switch my service, but the second charged even more! But, someone shared a work-around with me that I’ll pass along to you… You *do* have to pay if you want to be unlisted, however, you don’t have to be listed as yourself!

So, if I call you and there’s a wierd name on the caller ID, it’s still me. I called and changed my name and edited my personal information. They tried to give me a hard time, but they really didn’t have a leg to stand on… if I’d just gotten married, I’d be changing my name. This time I was just wedding with “the system” instead.

I encourage you to be extra creative if you go this route.. ever wanted to be a Kennedy? Mmm.. or maybe royalty? Mrs. Pitt?

My Wisdom for the Day

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So, as I’ve started into this craft thing, one of the big problems that I’m having is focus. So, I *could* have a little ADD… But, what’s more of the issue is that it’s fun to learn new stuff. I’d much rather spend my time trying out new things than actually making the things that I’ve perfected. And, the least amount of fun is posting those items and selling them. I’d much rather be a crafter (and, yes, I do know that that’s not a real word)  than a seller. And I’d rather be experimenting than duplicating.

As I was pondering that, it came to mind that that’s kinda how a lot of things are. Once we really know what we’re doing, it’s time to move on… I have joked that the problem with planning a wedding is that you only get to do it once. It takes you that whole time to figure out what you’re doing, then you don’t get to practice it at all. The same kinda happens with parenting. You finally become an expert at the newborn thing, then they become infants and there’s another world to learn. You master the bottle or the breast or whatever, then it’s time to start talking about solids. You finally get the hang of packing a diaper-bag just right, then it’s time to start potty training.

I’ll tell you the truth. I don’t mind potty training. That age of kiddo (1.5 to 3) is about my favorite age, although, I do adore babies.. and it’s pretty fun having actual conversations. Anyhow, I’d gladly potty train kids for a living. I think that I’m pretty good at it. But, alas, that time is done at our house. Just this last week or so my “babies” have decided that they’re done with pull ups at night and neither has had a wet bed since.  Like I said, you figure it out, get good at it and then you need a new skill.

My newer challenge is figuring out what to do about the little stalker friend that D has made at school. She’s nice, but I can’t figure out how to get through to her that he can’t play after school every.single.day.

But, as I was pondering all of this, I was also thinking about posting on my blog. And that’s when the wisdom came in… (about time, right?!?) That’s what this whole blog thing is about. Now, I don’t blog to be a leader or a teacher or whatever. I am certainly not a parenting expert (although, I am a potty training expert!).  But, the cool thing is that I do have things to share. There are some things that I do know about. There are experiences that I’ve had that I can guide someone through. And, there are other blogs out there that can do the same for me.

As our society has changed, in many ways we’ve grown apart as people. We don’t know our neighbors as much as we used to (even though we live closer together). Not all of us have the safety net of family close by. But, through this magical Internet, we can all be a little closer, too. There are other moms who are out there who are posting about their challenges and successes and lives each day. And I can learn through them.

So, there is help out there. I think I might just have to do a search for kiddo stalker blogs (that’s a joke!). But, I will remember that there are others out there who I can turn to.

I just need to stay far, far away from the craft blogs! Craft time needs to be for creating, not dreaming up new visions.

What are your favorite blogs?

Loss

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I taught a foster parenting class for just over 4 years. I love(d) doing it. It has been a chance for me to have adult time. It’s given me a chance to feel like I’m really giving back and helping more kids than just the ones that we take into our home. And I’ve met some wonderful foster and adoptive parents.

This week one of my former students passed away.

She was a very kind and generous woman who loved each of her foster children with all of her heart. As a retired nurse, she brought knowledge and experience that some of our kiddos desperately need. She had planned on taking on medically fragile children, but after taking on her first placement, a Native American little boy, she fell head over heels in love with him and didn’t take on another placement wanting to give all of her time and attention to just that little guy. When he left, it was very hard for her… as it is for all foster parents. But, she opened her home to another little girl. A baby who’d been shaken. The shaking has left permanent damage. That sweet little baby was left blind and has a myriad of other physical and mental issues that will be with her for life. And, now, she’s lost the only mom that she’s ever known. They were lucky enough to be together for over a year.

I’ve been sharing their story on the various chat boards that I frequent. I really am asking for thoughts, prayers, whatever you believe in for both the family of this mom & the sweet little one who is now with another foster family.

Getting Ready Again

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One of the odd things about foster care is that it’s not all about being a foster parent. You have to have your home certified. Here, the state comes out every three years do to a safety inspection and the foster agency has to do a monthly inspection and an annual surprise inspection. We’ve been doing this for almost 6 years (yikes!) so you’d think we’d know what we’re doing. But, with this move, it almost feels like we’re starting from scratch.

I compare the licensing process to a pregnancy. When you’re taking your classes and working on your home study, it’s the time to prepare. It’s the time to ready your home and your family for the new addition that is to come. It’s the time when you need to find a day care, find a sitter, figure out if your pediatrician takes the insurance, figure out where toys and books and clothes will live. Well, I thought we had all of that figured out! And most of it we do… But, we are finding out that there’s a lot of work that we still have to do.

Here are some things that we need to do and I think a few of them may surprise you. We are required to have a fire extinguisher on each level of our home–our last place was a ranch style home so I guess I bought one and didn’t give it another thought.. now I have to find a couple more. We have to do a fire escape plan with at least 2 exits for each bedroom and one of those exits has to be directly out of the house. Now, I think this is a good idea for any family. Foster families do fire drills each quarter. But, we have never had a second story so I’m off to try to find a fire ladder. The biggest change for us is the addition of a pool. In Arizona, a pool is pretty much the only thing that allows you to be outside in the summer. We’ve never had one, we’ve always taken full advantage of the public pools and splash pads, but I am very much looking forward to not having to pack up everything anytime we want to cool off. But, along with that pool comes all of the requirements. Our home already has the approved type of fence, but we still have to purchase some extra equipment. I bought a coast guard approved ring the other day… $120!?! I’m still trying to find the shepard’s crook that I am required to have, it’s not exactly pool season so a few of the stores that I’ve checked with were sold out. We also have to have all of our toxins (dryer sheets, dishwasher detergent, paint…) locked up in away that requires a key. We’ve been down this road before so we know what we’re doing, but the locks that look the best are way expensive and kind of a pain to install (thanks, Daddy!). Hmmm.. what am I forgetting. Oh, we need to have a carbon monoxide detector, again, I think these are a good idea for any family. We are still waiting to find out if we’ll need one for each level or only one for the level that’s at risk.

Basically, we’ll be spending a bunch of time and a small fortune to get ready.

And this is what every foster family goes through. But, it’s a little peak at what lies ahead. When you foster a “typical” child in AZ, the going rate for reimbursement is $16.40 a day. It’ll cover the basic living expense for a child, but if you want to be a parent and have your child involved in sports or activities or classes, that’s going to come out of pocket. If you want to travel, that will cost you, too. And, you’ll have to jump through a few hoops as well. Foster parenting isn’t a way to get rich. But, it shouldn’t make you go broke either.

I think that I’ll work this year to share a few of the hints and tricks I’ve found to make fostering more affordable.. If you have any, please let me know so that I can share!

And, if you know a business that might be interested in offering a discount for foster parents, I’d love to know that as well.

In addition to preparing our home, there are other changes afoot in our home. I don’t plan on teaching PS-MAPP for awhile. So, perhaps it’s time to find another outlet for my passion. I truly love being a parent and a foster parent and I want to help others down the same road. I think I might just have stumbled upon the way for me to do that next.

Hope that your day has an epiphany as well! 🙂

Gotcha!

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So, I know, I *told* you that it’d be awhile because we were moving. And I lied. It has been awhile, but we’re still in the same house. Boxes are piling up around me, but no move has happened. In our new economy, things just don’t go the same way that they used to in the house-buying arena. So, the close of our new home has been delayed.. I hope (well, I know it’s been delayed, I just *hope* it’ll still go through).

Anyhow, it will be o.k. This gives us more time to pack up all of our stuff. Have I mentioned how much stuff we have? We have a lot of stuff! I’ve been plugging right along packing a box or two a day.

In the meantime, we have had a little more excitement. Our little Princess is now 4!

Her birthday was on Sunday, but we just keep the party rolling… We celebrated on Saturday by going to go see Yo Gabba Gabba!

Bean with the Gabba Gang

 Bean Enthralled by the Show

Before Going with Bean in her Mommy-made Foofa Shirt

Then on Sunday we celebrated with cupcakes (Bean is still waiting on a *real* cake.. she might be waiting for awhile) and her Aunt Brandy…

Lots of Helpers

Which brings us to today. Today is another special day. Birth parents get to have the whole 9 months to prepare. They can have a pregnancy journal and a shower and all that sort of stuff. Adoptive parents get a “Gotcha” day! It’s a little controversial in some adoption circles, but for us, with our long waits and uncertain future as foster parents, we choose to celebrate. Today is the day that our little girl came to our home. I believe that I shared the story last year, so I won’t bore you, but it’s pretty cool how quickly she became our daughter. Happy Gotcha Day, Miss Bean! We love you!

Don’t Be Offended (Or do…)

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So, I have a vent.

And I’m worried that it could offend some.

But, I kind of don’t care. Because if it does offend, maybe it’ll also teach.

As you know, we just adopted our V. And we had a massive party (photos have  been proofed, now just waiting for our disc so we can share!). A bunch of people came and tons brought gifts (thanks!) others asked and were told not to buy anything (Thanks to you, too! You listened to me and were still here to enjoy our special day & that’s what we needed.).

This post isn’t directed at any of you.

This is for those of you who know we adopted, were sent an announcement and didn’t do anything. Not a card. Not a call. No gift. Nada.

I think that stinks.

None of our kids came to our family the “traditional” way. We never had a shower. We didn’t get to plan for months and months for them. And, when they came, we didn’t know if they’d stay or go. We didn’t expect gifts for each of them (and thank you to those who helped us during those difficult transitions).

We get that it’s different than having a biological child.

But, an adoption is still a birth. You might not know that in just a few days I’ll be able to request a new birth certificate for V. On that b.c., we’ll be listed as his mother and father. We are. As Brian’s uncle joked, he was born at 10:34.

I guess my vent is just to those who don’t “get it”. These are my babies, their births just happened a few years later than  “normal”. But, they still deserved to be showered with kindness and cards and even a gift or two.

I wondered if I was alone in having these feelings. So, I asked a few other adoptive parents… and their experiences were similar. Family not aknowleging the huge change in their lives… children being ignored.And it’s not fair! (Insert bratty stomp!)

What’s hardest for me is the expectation that goes the other way. I’m expected to attend the baby showers and buy the gifts for each new baby (planned or not). So, I’m going to raise the bar right now. From now on you are *expected* to celebrate each adoption in a huge way. It’s a birth with a pregnancy that goes on for year. It’s a pile of paperwork and a roller-coaster of emotions. And they’re oh so beautiful. I expect you to call on the day of the adoption and ask the details. I expect you to be excited and tell all of our friends about the new addition to your family. I expect you to change yourself (and hope that it spreads…). I expect you to ensure that I’m one of the last adoptive mamas that will feel sadness around such a special day .

Thanks.

(And like I said, if you’ve already made this change… kindly disregard)

New Beginnings…

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So, we are at the end of a chapter of our lives.

We’re done with foster care. At least for awhile…

And it’s hard for me to say that.. it’s even hard for me to type that.

But, ending a chapter means beginning a new one!

For me, that means actually taking the leap and selling a few crafts. For Brian… who knows? I think enjoying the kids, helping me on my next venture and having more engergy for work.

There are other new beginnings around us, too. My cousin just gave birth to her first son (total doll!). And I have a good friend and sorority sister who just wed her wife a couple weeks ago (right after we adopted V). And, they, too, will have a new baby shortly.

I am working on something for my cousin’s little guy still.

But, I finished a gift for my girlfriend’s baby-to-be today and I want to share it before I send it out. Mostly because I think it’s stinkin’ cute!

A little taggie & onesie for little one…
The back side.. little ruffled bum..
If you want one of these, I can personalize it for you, too!

Of Course!

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So, I don’t know about your state, but mine is broke. And, assuming you’re from the States, your country is broke, too.

I’m sure you hear about it. You might even be  feeling the pinch of your own financial struggles. I know that the economy has been rough on all areas.

But, what’s it really costing?

An article was posted on a fostering board that I frequent (http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gq1yhAPK8txoVpGAPujSMUK9wz5gD9HULPCG4)

Turns out that the number of kids in care has gone down.

The interesting thing to me was that virtually all of the people who read the article on that board had the same view. It’s easy to assume that the number of kids in care has gone down because we’re educating parents more. Or, you can look at the aid that’s given to families in need–maybe that’s alleviating some of the pressure and preventing abuse and neglect.

But, those of us in the thick of things have a different thought. Maybe it’s because there aren’t enough people to investigate… Maybe there’s fiscal pressure from above to leave children in their homes (not in all cases, but in those borderline cases..).

The truth is that we don’t know.

And we won’t for a long time.

My guess is that as the economy changes, there will be more changes in policy and more cut backs. And there will be fewer and fewer children in foster care. There will be fewer caseworkers to investigate and less funds for preventative measures.

Then, there will be a tragedy or two or three or one hundred. And all of a sudden, people will wake up. They’ll demand to know why children were left so long in unsafe conditions. There will be a public outcry. And then the funding will return.

The real question, in my mind, is how many children will be sacrificed? How much do we need to see and know before we want action?

And, more importantly, what can we do now to stop this?

I think that it starts at home. Do you know your neighbors? Are there any that need help now? What about at your work place… is there a family in need? Do you interact with children? Have you seen the signs of abuse? If you have, what are you doing to help? What about your family, do you have someone close to you who’s an addict? Are there kids involved that you can step in and help?

I think the best thing about this economy is that as a whole, we’ve been force to reevaluate. We’ve started looking differently at debt and value and expenses.

Let’s move some of that focus to our neighborhood and the children and people around us. We can make a difference.