I hope my mom doesn’t mind me sharing this (sorry, mom)… but, when I started fostering it kind of scared her. Well, I don’t know if scared is/was the right word. But, she was fearful. She worried about us. She mostly worried about me. She worried what would happen if my kids didn’t stay. She worried about the ups and downs and how fast and hard I’d fallen in love with my boys. She worried about me being able to recover from that loss.
And there has, indeed, been loss along our foster and adoption journey. Thankfully, we didn’t lose our boys. We became their forever parents instead. And that baby girl of ours… I do think (maybe, know?) that it would have been the end of me had she not become “my” Bean.
There have been tears shed, things thrown, a few cuss words uttered.
But, honestly, that’s been the least painful of our parenthood journey. At least for me…
The harder part has been the hidden part. My want to conceive has been far more painful.
Answering the questions about having “one of our own” (what a stupid word choice!), seeing how easily others conceive, experiencing the let down of another cycle, another month, another year. And not being able to open up to anyone. Because opening up just means more people getting their hopes up along with you. Telling people just means more questions. Having people know means facing the fact that they do not understand when they carelessly drone on about the woes of pregnancy or the sleepless nights that I so desperately long for. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you… it just kills me a little each time. I know that you don’t say those things to hurt me. You just aren’t there… most of you, thankfully, have never been so you’ll really never understand)
And then there is the guilt. How dare I want for another child when I have four perfect children? How can I take my time and energy away from them? How can I justify the cost of the medications when there are so many things that I could fund for my kids…?
So, here I am. Coming out of hiding. Here I am. Infertile. And really struggling with it right now.