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It’s Really Easy from the Sidelines…

September 18, 2018 By: Amandacomment

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When I was younger, my mom was going through some of the same struggles I am now. Literally. She had a teenager who made some of the same or similar choices to my son. There was lying and hiding and even a little drug use. I remember thinking of what I would do that would fix everything. I remember offering to have him live with me.

But, now I know.. when you are facing it, it’s not easy. It’s not black and white. Never for a second did I doubt my mom’s love for my brothers. And I hope that nobody doubts mine.

Fast forward a few years, when we first got our little Bean, there was a chance to meet her bio-grandma… The only things I knew about her mom were that her mom was a meth addict and that Bean had a different dad than the other kids, but her mom was still married to the dad of the other kids. And I was clinging to the fact that her mom was a user… When I met her grandma, I expected to see the mom of an addict. And I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong. I met a grandma who could have been my mom or my mother-in-law (they all share the same first name!). She loved her daughter and adored her grandkids. She wanted nothing but the best for them all. And she was making the best choices that she could.

I know that being a foster parent meant automatic judgement. And I am learning that being the parent of a teen who makes stupid choices equals automatic judgement.

What is hard for me, is that I am learning that even the people who I thought knew us, are judging us harshly. And it has really been hurting me. Especially since they have no clue what goes on in our house. They don’t know what consequences our kids have faced. And they haven’t been there with the crisis team. They haven’t been there in the family hugs when we are all hurting so badly.

And I think it’s easier to assume that we must be doing something wrong. I think that if they admit that there is a chance that we aren’t culpable, that they can tell themselves their child will never do anything like that. I think if they can lay blame on something, they can tell themselves that it will never be them. I think that assuming that we aren’t doing our jobs makes it easier to sleep at night. Maybe unconsciously even. I even blame myself at times, surely I have failed at motherhood to have to deal with what we’ve dealt with… And I am sure that there are things that I could have or should have done differently. But, I am also sure that I have done my best. Our family has sought and found resources for mental and behavioral health. We have found a team to support and help our kiddos. And we are just beginning to see progress!

Way back when I was teaching PS-MAPP, I would tell my future foster families that it is so easy to judge the bio-parents. And it is. And it can be easy to hate them. But, if we were judged on our worst day everyday, how would that look? As a teenager, I worked and volunteered, I was a better-than-average student, and I was super involved in my church.. But, I lied to my parents, I drank occasionally, I did all sorts of stupid stuff. And I think that most of us did. Thankfully, we don’t have to wear those bad choices on a shirt every day.

What’s my point? Heck if I know!! I just know that I am hurting. And I know that I don’t deserve that.

Happy Holidays

December 21, 2016 By: Amandacomment

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Christmas 2015

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Cruising away October 2016

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Christmas 2016

I can hardly believe it’s nearly Christmas. And I have so many things to do! I should be wrapping or cleaning or cooking or something. But, I wanted to sit down for a bit. Well, to be honest, I was eating and to eat I sat down and I sat down in front of the computer. And, as we all know, once you sit down it can be really, really, really hard to get back moving.

Anyhow, while I embrace the lazy for a second, I also give myself to think about the past year. And it has flown by! There were some massive hurdles this year.. parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart! And there have been some massive successes–one of those teenagers has stayed out of trouble for months now!

One of the little guys I used to watch has grown so big that he no longer needs a baby sitter and has moved onto preschool. And my other little dude just became a big brother!

My youngest two are growing like weeds and my teens are my height (& maybe even taller). They all are beautiful (I assure you it’s true, not just the mommy goggles!). And they have these amazing personalities that are so fun to watch.

I keep seeing all over social media how awful 2016 has been and how ready my friends are for it to be over. But, I don’t want anything to rush! I want time to slow down! Maybe even on those really horrible days… Then maybe we can appreciate the good a little more.

Anyhow, the laundry and wrapping and cleaning calls.

Merry Christmas!

Started with puke… Hasn’t improved.

September 24, 2012 By: Amanda1 Comment

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Sigh.

I am ready to send my crew to bed–the lot of them!!

Little d has an ear infection that made him sick this morning. Big D is being bossy and loud and obnoxious. V is pouting. And I had to carry a crying B all the way home from school.

Add to that some frustration with prescriptions and the fact that I only got a short run in today and I am ready for bed, too.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Good Kids Today

September 18, 2012 By: Amandacomment

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When I was a nanny, I often joked that the dull days were the good days. I guess not much has changed. The days that don’t involve drama or phone calls from school or trips to the ER are pretty good days!

Today was full of volunteering at school, errands, doctor’s appointment, laundry, dishes, play dates, tutoring, homework and getting out the Halloween decorations… All pretty dull.

I have to say I love my job today!

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Nature versus Nurture

September 18, 2012 By: Amanda1 Comment

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(I started this post months and months ago, but abandoned it.. It’s no longer timely for our family. But, I think it’s an important message that I need to get out there. If you know anyone who has adopted or dealt with the foster system, I think that this is one of my stronger pieces about one of the struggles that is so real to them.)

I have blogged before about “Mom Guilt”… I really think it’s a silly thing, but I recently fell prey to it myself.

One of the kids did a particularly ugly behavior. I mean it was *really* bad. So, like any modern mom, I turned to the Internet for support. Some people told me that if it were their kid, they’d beat the kid. One or two surmised that I am raising the next generation’s serial killer… We don’t beat our kids and I am relatively certain that this was not the work of a psychopath. But, it also isn’t and wasn’t something I or we could just ignore.

The behavior was likely just a case of not thinking and poor impulse control. That does not mean that it was o.k. Not even a little. It also doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a consequence…we ended up having an extra helper for lots and lots of chores and lots of one-on-one time with B & me, during which the behavior and choices were discussed over and over again.

Anyhow, now that things are a bit calmer, I was revisiting the Internet comments in my mind… One Mom commented that I shouldn’t feel guilt because no matter what parenting steps I am taking, some of it is just nature. And I agree, no matter what you do as a mom, there are some things you just cannot control. For us, we know that D has ADHD. It has nothing to do with our parenting, it’s just a fact. So, the way that we nurture him is designed to help him with some of those natural issues…

And, on top  of all of that, we have another layer in our family. The nurture that they deserved wasn’t there when they were little. Our poor, sweet, innocent children went through more than I want to even contemplate. They suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to nurture them. They missed out on critical bonding time. There are literally connections in their brains that didn’t form or didn’t form correctly because of the selfish acts of the very people who brought them into the world.

There are some people who have told me that my kids aren’t special or unique because they’re adopted–there is one word for those people–wrong!

My kids are up against both genetic flaws and the uphill battle of getting back what they missed out on… And that makes me sad for them. We have wonderful, amazing children. What strength they have. Thankfully, I think they’re blissfully unaware of what they’ve overcome. But, it’s pretty stunning if you think about it. Most of the adults I know wouldn’t survive what they went through.

Children, and adults, who go through “the system” truly have the deck stacked against them. These are kids who weren’t given up for adoption, they’re kids who were removed from unsafe conditions. In even the *very* best situation, they are torn from the bonds of one family and forced to rebuild with another. And that is the best case.

So, I do have some guilt. I often wonder if I am making the right choices. I feel bad for not checking every single answer on homework. I feel bad that the kids aren’t doing more activites or classes. I feel bad when I see them make bad choices. I feel bad when they act out in public. I have my share of mom guilt. But, I think it’s a waste. 🙂 I adore my kids. I am pretty sure they know that. And I am doing my best. And I think that is all that I can do.

 

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