Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

Whatever you do, don’t ask Google

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Have you ever felt miserable and googled your symptoms? Ever done a Web MD search? Did you find out that you probably have cancer and the type of cancer that you have is likely fatal?

It’s the same for criminal stuff. If you love someone who is facing charges, don’t Google. You just don’t want to know. Navigating the courts is scary, but, in this case, I think that it’s scarier knowing the possible outcoms.

In other news, parenting teenagers continues to be challenging. It is unlike anything that I ever imagined. I thought that navigating the foster care world would be the hardest thing we ever had to do as parents. And, it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t know. I would have missed out on the amazing days. The days with smiles and hugs and laughs. The pride of seeing them succeed. I wouldn’t wish our recent experiences on my worst enemy & I wouldn’t trade my kids for all of the money in the world.

For locals only…

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I may have posted something along these lines before, but I’ve been at this blog awhile & this one bears repeating anyhow.

I have a few friends who are just starting on their fostering journey and I wish I could just give them all of the tips and tricks and things I learned through the years instantly. But, I don’t know how to do that. I figure, this post can help a bit though…

Often, as a foster parent, you are the one who sees the child the most. You’re the expert on the case. But, the courts and the case worker tend to forget this fact. They rely on the GAL (Guardian Ad Litem, or the lawyer for the child) to be the expert. The caseworkers are usually really good people who have a really tough job and have no way of truly knowing what’s going on with every.single.case. The problem becomes, “How do I get “the system” to pay attention and know my foster kiddo like I do?”

I know, for a fact, that I’ve blogged before about documenting. Document, document, document!! I had a nurse in class one time tell us, “if it’s not in the chart, it didn’t happen”… The same is true with foster care. If you didn’t document it, it didn’t happen. Biological family visits are on the top of this list. If you’re local, you have the incident reports that I know and love to fill out… Here are the times that we used incident reports (only when dealing with visits):

  1. If the visit was canceled
  2. If the visit was moved to a different location
  3. If the parent aide was late
  4. If either of the parents were late
  5. If drop off was late
  6. If the child had behaviors when the visit started or when the parent aide came
  7. If we saw any unusual behavior after visits
  8. When there was a new lice outbreak after a visit
  9. If there were any new scratches or bruises after a visit

I will warn you, your caseworker likely won’t appreciate this many reports. Tough. It’s the report that you use to communicate these issues. Tell them that *I* told you you needed to document 🙂 After you file the incident report with your agency and the caseworker, make sure you that you keep track of the dates of these incident reports. I think it’s great to keep a calendar that has all of the foster care related stuff written on it, then you can use that calendar as a snapshot of what’s going on and can use it to fill out your monthly reports. Each agency handles their monthly reports a little differently, but it’s just good practice to have it all together.

 

Now that you’ve started documenting more, make sure that you’re there to insure that someone is reading those reports.

Go to court. Make sure you’re there every single hearing. Show up a little early and bring a few things with you–bring a recent photo of the child or children, bring an up-to-date summary of any incidents that have happened since the last court date. I like to e-mail *everything* then you have a little back-up proof just in case any of the lawyers act like you’re giving them new news. Try to chat with both the GAL and the caseworker before court. Give that photo of your kiddo to the GAL and ask that he or she give it to the judge to be included with the court documents. Having that little face looking at the judge is a massive reminder of why we’re all there in the first place.

Take notes while you’re in court. It can go quickly and be hard to understand. If you have the option, see if someone from your agency can go with you the first few times to translate. Make sure that you note the date and time of the next hearing. Also, make note of what the judge orders… If the judge orders that the bio-parent do something, it’s o.k. to ask your caseworker about progress. The caseworker might not share everything with you, but I found it never hurt to ask. I was always as diplomatic as possible and *always* polite, but I was the one in the trenches, I had a right to check up and make sure everyone else was following through. I learned to use that calendar… If the caseworker told me she’d take care of “X” I’d put a note on my calendar to ask her about it during the next home visit…

Court isn’t the only place you need to be! Get yourself to your FCRB’s. FCRB stands for Foster Care Review Board. If you’ve never been to an FCRB for your child go here. Get yourself on the mailing list and make sure that they know that the child is in your home. Sometimes when kids move, it takes the system too long to update and you’ll miss a review. You don’t want that to happen more than once. There are a few people that judges really listen to… the FCRB is one of them. You do not need anyone from your agency to go with you, but if they do attend, they can participate, too. The board will listen to your testimony as well as that from the caseworker, your agency, the biological family.. And then they’ll make a recommendation to the court. The court takes this recommendation over half of the time.

 

If you’re doing these things and following up, you’re doing what you can. Hopefully the courts will make the best decisions. Just be glad that you aren’t the one who has to make those calls. Watching a parent lose his or her rights to their child is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. Driving with V the other day I started thinking about what his bio-mom has missed out on and I started crying. He is about the coolest 7 year old in the whole wide world, and she never gets to cuddle him, she never gets to hear his questions, she never gets to tickle him or look into his blue eyes. A parent losing there rights is a big deal. And there’s a reason that it takes the courts so long to get through the process. Each day that a foster kiddo stays in care, however, is chance for you to love him or her. It’s chance for them to see what a family should be and feel safe and loved. Even the kids that were only with us for a short time, left a huge impression on us… and we got to see, even in just months, how much they changed and grew and how much of an impact we had on them.

Parenting isn’t’ for the weak. Foster parenting is for the iron-man athletes of the parenting world.

Nature versus Nurture

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(I started this post months and months ago, but abandoned it.. It’s no longer timely for our family. But, I think it’s an important message that I need to get out there. If you know anyone who has adopted or dealt with the foster system, I think that this is one of my stronger pieces about one of the struggles that is so real to them.)

I have blogged before about “Mom Guilt”… I really think it’s a silly thing, but I recently fell prey to it myself.

One of the kids did a particularly ugly behavior. I mean it was *really* bad. So, like any modern mom, I turned to the Internet for support. Some people told me that if it were their kid, they’d beat the kid. One or two surmised that I am raising the next generation’s serial killer… We don’t beat our kids and I am relatively certain that this was not the work of a psychopath. But, it also isn’t and wasn’t something I or we could just ignore.

The behavior was likely just a case of not thinking and poor impulse control. That does not mean that it was o.k. Not even a little. It also doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a consequence…we ended up having an extra helper for lots and lots of chores and lots of one-on-one time with B & me, during which the behavior and choices were discussed over and over again.

Anyhow, now that things are a bit calmer, I was revisiting the Internet comments in my mind… One Mom commented that I shouldn’t feel guilt because no matter what parenting steps I am taking, some of it is just nature. And I agree, no matter what you do as a mom, there are some things you just cannot control. For us, we know that D has ADHD. It has nothing to do with our parenting, it’s just a fact. So, the way that we nurture him is designed to help him with some of those natural issues…

And, on top  of all of that, we have another layer in our family. The nurture that they deserved wasn’t there when they were little. Our poor, sweet, innocent children went through more than I want to even contemplate. They suffered at the hands of the people who were supposed to nurture them. They missed out on critical bonding time. There are literally connections in their brains that didn’t form or didn’t form correctly because of the selfish acts of the very people who brought them into the world.

There are some people who have told me that my kids aren’t special or unique because they’re adopted–there is one word for those people–wrong!

My kids are up against both genetic flaws and the uphill battle of getting back what they missed out on… And that makes me sad for them. We have wonderful, amazing children. What strength they have. Thankfully, I think they’re blissfully unaware of what they’ve overcome. But, it’s pretty stunning if you think about it. Most of the adults I know wouldn’t survive what they went through.

Children, and adults, who go through “the system” truly have the deck stacked against them. These are kids who weren’t given up for adoption, they’re kids who were removed from unsafe conditions. In even the *very* best situation, they are torn from the bonds of one family and forced to rebuild with another. And that is the best case.

So, I do have some guilt. I often wonder if I am making the right choices. I feel bad for not checking every single answer on homework. I feel bad that the kids aren’t doing more activites or classes. I feel bad when I see them make bad choices. I feel bad when they act out in public. I have my share of mom guilt. But, I think it’s a waste. 🙂 I adore my kids. I am pretty sure they know that. And I am doing my best. And I think that is all that I can do.