Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

Adultish

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Haven’t really shared with many in real life… You know, since we can’t see anyone in real life right now. Life in the middle of a pandemic is very lonely. And, heck, I don’t know that I have all that many people I talk to when we aren’t in forced seclusion. AND, I highly doubt anyone will see this or read this anyhow. So, I guess this just gives me a chance to spill my guts.

Our oldest is now 18. He has been a legal adult for a month and a half. In that time, he has been working and was going to school. School is closed now though and, even though his was already online, he decided not to do his work. And, I called him on it. I was really mad and I woke him up to tell him so… Then he moved out.

Calling it moving out is soooo wrong though! He didn’t move. He isn’t living anywhere. All of his junk is still here. He is just sleeping on his girlfriend’s couch.

I think that someone is really an adult when they pay all of their own bills. He isn’t paying any of them. He isn’t even helping.

There are so many things that I think and feel about all of this. But, I don’t know if they are right or normal or stupid.

And, the tears have started again… so, I think I will go back to drinking wine and ignoring the fact that a huge chunk of me is out there in the world.

But, wait! There’s More!

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Warning, this post may very well read like a commercial for Pogo Pass. But, in the middle I hope you like seeing my kiddos & I during our adventures in Tucson this weekend.

With B traveling so much, it’s been me and the kids solo for way too much time! And I think we may all be a little annoyed with each other. I also am a little tired of being the taxi driver for all teenage events–there are an awful lot of them these days & they always go past my bedtime! I also am more than a little of the crazy trouble my boys have found. And I, obviously, am done with friend drama. So, I decided, very last minute, that if Brian was going to be gone, we should be, too!

We found an awesome deal on a hotel in Tucson, and with Ebates, we are getting 7% back, too! And we have our awesome Pogo Passes, so we managed quite the adventure fairly affordably. I am afraid we still spent faster than B could earn, but not by too much.

Friday we drove down and enjoyed a quick night swim and a game of Uno. The kids were willing to put away all electronics for the night, and I don’t think they even missed them too much.

They would only let me take a photo if they got to do a silly one, too.. Somethings don’t change as they get older!

The next day we were up early to head to Oracle, AZ. Growing up in Iowa, I feel like I know *nothing* about Arizona–even though I have lived here longer than anywhere else. It was fun exploring our backyard. We went to Oracle State Park to hike in the morning. We enjoyed spotting all sorts of cacti & bugs. We also saw a couple rabbits & a few lizards.

Then we went in search of food. We managed to find the 1 restaurant in all of the United States that is closed on Saturdays. And then we found another that was open, but I think I missed the boat on this one. My food was amazing, but it was a little too fancy for the kids.

After lunch we headed to Arizona Zipline Adventures.

(Here is where I will insert the commercial for Pogo Pass! Nana & Papa have given our family these passes the last few years for Christmas and we love them! They say that they are usually $100, but I have always seen them for around $40. And they do fundraisers for schools and a referral program.. if you use my link I get $5 credit for next year. The Pogo Pass is sort of like having a membership for a bunch of places.. We easily get way more than is paid by using the passes to go to Tempe Paintball (one free trip a month!). And every summer we go to Sunsplash with our passes (that day alone is almost the full price of the Pogo Pass), plus it gets us into a couple Diamondbacks games, the Zoo, the IDEA Museum.. And, in Tucson, our passes gave us a discount on a zipline pass, free laser tag, & entry to the International Wildlife Museum! I totally think these are a smoking deal!)

At Arizona Zipline Adventures, the boys did a 2 hour zipline tour. It was so cool! Bean firmly passed on this one so I opted to stay grounded with her, but given the chance, I would totally do the zipline in the future! The guides were friendly and helpful. The scenery was beautiful. And the boys all agreed that it was a lot of fun. With our passes, we got a $25 discount for each person.

On the way back to our hotel we stopped at Eegee’s… Eegee’s is a Tucson institution. This was my first time going, but it’s one of those things I have heard everyone rave about. And, I am fairly certain that I could get lynched for saying this at U of A, but we all just thought it was ok.

I crashed early Saturday night because the sun and the wildlife had done me in.. My allergies were a mess and despite reapplying sunscreen 3 times, I was pink.

Sunday we got up and met Bean’s bio-mom for breakfast. She lives in Tucson and always comes up to see Bean, but we are never in that direction. It was so nice to get to see her! She is always so loving and gracious to all of us.

We didn’t keep score, but if we had, she would have won!

After lunch we headed to Golf N’ Stuff… The boys played laser tag, the girls played mini golf. All of those were paid for with our passes! Then the boys opted for go karts and we played at the arcade before we headed out to the International Wildlife Museum.

I truly had no idea what to expect at the Museum… I knew it was animals, so I was sort of envisioning some sort of zoo. Well, it’s pretty much the complete opposite of a zoo! All of the animals, save a couple insects, are dead and stuffed. But, once we got over the shock, it was really stinking cool. It really gave an interesting perspective… so often we see animals from afar, this gave us a chance to be right next to them!

Can’t believe that I am including this one, but it was the favorite animal of the teenage boys… Sigh!

We ended up heading back to Phoenix after that…

It was a bit of a whirlwind and totally last minute, but I think it was also a raging success. All of the kids said “Thank you” more than a couple times and there were lots of hugs and smiles and cuddles. And, it was a 100% drama free weekend!!

Happy to be home and to have been here to collect B from the airport. I am looking forward to having him home a whole 11 days before he’s off on his next adventure.

Let me know if you have questions about the Pogo Pass, or any of our adventures!

 

It’s Really Easy from the Sidelines…

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When I was younger, my mom was going through some of the same struggles I am now. Literally. She had a teenager who made some of the same or similar choices to my son. There was lying and hiding and even a little drug use. I remember thinking of what I would do that would fix everything. I remember offering to have him live with me.

But, now I know.. when you are facing it, it’s not easy. It’s not black and white. Never for a second did I doubt my mom’s love for my brothers. And I hope that nobody doubts mine.

Fast forward a few years, when we first got our little Bean, there was a chance to meet her bio-grandma… The only things I knew about her mom were that her mom was a meth addict and that Bean had a different dad than the other kids, but her mom was still married to the dad of the other kids. And I was clinging to the fact that her mom was a user… When I met her grandma, I expected to see the mom of an addict. And I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong. I met a grandma who could have been my mom or my mother-in-law (they all share the same first name!). She loved her daughter and adored her grandkids. She wanted nothing but the best for them all. And she was making the best choices that she could.

I know that being a foster parent meant automatic judgement. And I am learning that being the parent of a teen who makes stupid choices equals automatic judgement.

What is hard for me, is that I am learning that even the people who I thought knew us, are judging us harshly. And it has really been hurting me. Especially since they have no clue what goes on in our house. They don’t know what consequences our kids have faced. And they haven’t been there with the crisis team. They haven’t been there in the family hugs when we are all hurting so badly.

And I think it’s easier to assume that we must be doing something wrong. I think that if they admit that there is a chance that we aren’t culpable, that they can tell themselves their child will never do anything like that. I think if they can lay blame on something, they can tell themselves that it will never be them. I think that assuming that we aren’t doing our jobs makes it easier to sleep at night. Maybe unconsciously even. I even blame myself at times, surely I have failed at motherhood to have to deal with what we’ve dealt with… And I am sure that there are things that I could have or should have done differently. But, I am also sure that I have done my best. Our family has sought and found resources for mental and behavioral health. We have found a team to support and help our kiddos. And we are just beginning to see progress!

Way back when I was teaching PS-MAPP, I would tell my future foster families that it is so easy to judge the bio-parents. And it is. And it can be easy to hate them. But, if we were judged on our worst day everyday, how would that look? As a teenager, I worked and volunteered, I was a better-than-average student, and I was super involved in my church.. But, I lied to my parents, I drank occasionally, I did all sorts of stupid stuff. And I think that most of us did. Thankfully, we don’t have to wear those bad choices on a shirt every day.

What’s my point? Heck if I know!! I just know that I am hurting. And I know that I don’t deserve that.

Whatever you do, don’t ask Google

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Have you ever felt miserable and googled your symptoms? Ever done a Web MD search? Did you find out that you probably have cancer and the type of cancer that you have is likely fatal?

It’s the same for criminal stuff. If you love someone who is facing charges, don’t Google. You just don’t want to know. Navigating the courts is scary, but, in this case, I think that it’s scarier knowing the possible outcoms.

In other news, parenting teenagers continues to be challenging. It is unlike anything that I ever imagined. I thought that navigating the foster care world would be the hardest thing we ever had to do as parents. And, it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t know. I would have missed out on the amazing days. The days with smiles and hugs and laughs. The pride of seeing them succeed. I wouldn’t wish our recent experiences on my worst enemy & I wouldn’t trade my kids for all of the money in the world.

If it’s easy, you’re doing it wrong

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Now that we have been parenting teens for a few years, I can tell you that it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I used to ride a bicycle and I remember being told that the hardest hill is the one that you’re on. And that is true for parenting, 100%! When we didn’t sleep more than a two hours at a time and my days were full of diapers and crying, that was hard. When there were days that I cleaned up puke or urine or poop or sometimes all three, that was hard. When there was a toddler crying pretty much non-stop (usually not just one, they took turns!) it was hard. But, teenagers.. well, I know that it’s the hill we are on, but I also know that it’s a really massive hill.

The stakes are so very high! Adulthood is right around the corner. And they need to grow and learn and explore. They need to be more independent, but… but! Those are my babies. And they are still making mistakes. And the mistakes, with my boys, have been massive–and dangerous and scary. What’s worse? I still have two kiddos to go, I have two that haven’t even hit the teen years.

The hardest part is the same thing that challenged us when they were little. There is no answer book. We are feeling our way around in the dark. Thankfully, we have lots of resources. We have support from professionals. And we don’t have any ego about this crap. We are open to new ideas. And we are trying our hardest.

Yesterday was a massive slap in the face… One of ours is just making bad choices. I don’t know if it’s our fault. I don’t know if he has control over these decisions (we have learned, in our years as parents, that often they don’t even know “why” they do stuff). But, I do know that it’s hard. And I know that we won’t give up.