Infertility

Once again (or maybe it’s an all the time thing now?) I am struggling… I am fighting depression and my addiction (food). And, while I own the fact that I am the one with the power to fight and I am the one with the issues, I also started thinking about PCOS. And the role that PCOS has in all of this mess. And I got angry. I hate PCOS.
If you don’t know PCOS, or even if you do, you may not realize how much of my life has been impacted by this stupid syndrome.

Here are the top 10 things I hate about PCOS.
10. The treatment options… Birth control pills are really the only things that can help with PCOS. And many of them make me even more insane!
9. Those treatments above? Well, they *only* treat your cycle. They do nothing with the other horrible things that PCOS causes… What are those? Well, keep reading!
8. The acne. I still have acne. It was horrific when I was younger, and has gotten better. But, I never am completely acne free.
7. The hair! I won’t go into too many details, but it’s embarrassing! I wax my chin and my upper lip. It’s expensive and annoying and never gone. Every time I look in a mirror I get some little wispy reminders of the PCOS that has taken over so much of my life.
6. The weight gain. PCOS means that losing weight is harder for me. Gaining it? Really stinking easy!
5. The depression. PCOS can cause depression.
4. The menstrual cycles… I could go on BCP (and likely kill a family member). So, I battle my cycles. Sometimes they come every other week, sometimes every few months… Sometimes they last three to four weeks. I am not over exaggerating or stretching the truth. This is my “normal” and it’s been like this since I was 12.
3. The other pesky side effects that loom in the distance for me. Women with PCOS have a higher risk for heart disease and diabetes.
2. Infertility.
1. All of this combined… PCOS has taken over my life. I never viewed it as a big deal. And many days I can just forget about it. But, the truth is that it has shattered my dreams. I wanted to be a mom for my entire life. I am a mom, but I still mourn the loss of my fertility. Even though I am a mom, I am not the best mom that I could be. I spend a lot of my life fighting these issues listed above. That’s time and energy that I could be using on my marriage and my children and my life. Instead I fight the stupid battles against depression and carbs.

I typed up the rest of this and was thinking about it on a walk this morning and one last thought occurred to me… Sadly, I am actually a lucky one. There are many women out there who are fighting all of the above, but don’t even know the name of their enemy. PCOS is also often undiagnosed. I consider myself lucky to have had doctors who put the pieces together when I was still in high school.

There’s no call to action at the end of this. There’s nothing that can be done. I just ask that you have a little understanding and realize that, while I may be a little crazy, it’s not all my fault 😉

But, if you are interested in learning more (or seeing if I am making this up), here are a few places you can learn more.

PCOS Foundation

PCOS Nutrition (they do sell stuff, but they also have info)

Soul Cysters–info and support for those with PCOS

https://www.momtomany.net/1984/

Facebook

Twitter

Sigh.

I hope my mom doesn’t mind me sharing this (sorry, mom)… but, when I started fostering it kind of scared her. Well, I don’t know if scared is/was the right word. But, she was fearful. She worried about us. She mostly worried about me. She worried what would happen if my kids didn’t stay. She worried about the ups and downs and how fast and hard I’d fallen in love with my boys. She worried about me being able to recover from that loss.

And there has, indeed, been loss along our foster and adoption journey. Thankfully, we didn’t lose our boys. We became their forever parents instead. And that baby girl of ours… I do think (maybe, know?) that it would have been the end of me had she not become “my” Bean.

There have been tears shed, things thrown, a few cuss words uttered.

But, honestly, that’s been the least painful of our parenthood journey. At least for me…

The harder part has been the hidden part. My want to conceive has been far more painful.

Answering the questions about having “one of our own” (what a stupid word choice!), seeing how easily others conceive, experiencing the let down of another cycle, another month, another year. And not being able to open up to anyone. Because opening up just means more people getting their hopes up along with you. Telling people just means more questions. Having people know means facing the fact that they do not understand when they carelessly drone on about the woes of pregnancy or the sleepless nights that I so desperately long for. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you… it just kills me a little each time. I know that you don’t say those things to hurt me. You just aren’t there… most of you, thankfully, have never been so you’ll really never understand)

And then there is the guilt. How dare I want for another child when I have four perfect children? How can I take my time and energy away from them? How can I justify the cost of the medications when there are so many things that I could fund for my kids…?

So, here I am. Coming out of hiding. Here I am. Infertile. And really struggling with it right now.