Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you…

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Or in this case, blog.

Things are really calm in our house right now. There’s no big crisis. Mental health services are in place & other services are coming into place as planned. Classes are going ok–more than ok for our Davey! And my weekend away was just what I needed to be recharged and ready for another busy week. B gets next weekend off, and he is being called more and more for engineering jobs—signs that he’s rocking the jobs he’s doing.

It’s good.

But, Brian and I are still grieving the loss of several friendships and the changing of others. I think it’s totally normal & appropriate, but, just like with other loss, there’s no handbook. We were discussing my blog posts and my FB post… He was a little concerned that the wrong people would take it personally. But, it was *all* personal! It was my feelings and emotions. It was days and days of tears being poured out into words. And I can’t say that I am sorry. I have loads of friends who haven’t said a word about what’s going on with my boys… I know tons of people who have seen us hurting. And, there have been several who have really been there. There are women I can text and know that they will understand. And I am so grateful for that! Those friendships will last a lifetime.

But, there are those who have just taken a step back. Some because of fear, some because they don’t know what to say, some because they are just wrapped up in their own stuff. And that is ok. There’s no need for guilt for that… I totally get not knowing the right thing to do or say.. I understand that this stuff can be scary. (I don’t know what do to or say and it often scares the crap out of me!!) But, I guess my feelings are a good reminder. A reminder for me, especially! A reminder that people have so many burdens. A reminder that being a friend means just letting people know you are there. A reminder that I have friends who want to be there, but I just haven’t opened up to the right people at the right time. A reminder that there are so many, many struggles! A reminder that sometimes other people really, really need you–even if they don’t say.

The song, “But for the grace of God go I” is still a refrain that is sticking. The song is a love story, but, to me, it’s a reminder that despite the bad days, there are so many good ones! A reminder that I have my kiddos to hug and hold. A reminder that there is progress, if not perfection. A reminder that it could be so, so much worse.

I hope that this finds you at peace. I hope it reminds you that you are loved. I hope it reminds you that I am here if you need someone. I hope that it may bring you hope if hope is what you need.

Here, I am feeling some hope… Hope that was missing for some time. And I am feeling loved. And I am working on feeling at peace.

 

 

Last One

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So, I am having a really hard time letting go of the friend drama… I have a million arguments in my mind about why we are worthy, and why my kids shouldn’t be judged like that and why I don’t deserve that judgement. But, honestly, we all judge. I am among the worst. And I expect to be judged. I warn my kids that they are always going to be judged by their skin color and their wardrobe and their punctuation. I even was telling them about judging people for their cringe-worthy e-mail names on resumes the other day. I don’t think it was the judgement that has been weighing so heavy on my heart. I *get* that. I truly do.

I think the real problem that is breaking my heart is where the judgement is coming from… People who I thought were my friends. I am fairly guarded when talking about our difficulties in parenting (back to that whole knowing that I am being judged thing!). So, if I have told you about what we have faced, it was told because I trusted you. We rarely discuss our choice of consequences outside of these walls. One, because we don’t want to shame our kids and two, because why? So, if you assume you know how we handle things, you should probably stop that. If you’re curious about how we are doing and what sort of progress or problems we are facing, asking would be a good step.

I know that what we have faced as parents is not typical. But, I can assure you that we need what everyone needs.. a shoulder to cry on, someone to share a bottle of wine with, hearing every once in awhile that our efforts are seen.

If you can’t do that, that’s ok. The very least you can do, as a human, is be kind. Don’t talk behind our backs. Don’t make judgments about things you know nothing about. And, if you do, keep those to yourself.

I am still struggling, but it’s been helpful and healthy for me to really put my finger on why this whole thing has had me in tears for weeks. I just thought that we were friends.

It’s Really Easy from the Sidelines…

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When I was younger, my mom was going through some of the same struggles I am now. Literally. She had a teenager who made some of the same or similar choices to my son. There was lying and hiding and even a little drug use. I remember thinking of what I would do that would fix everything. I remember offering to have him live with me.

But, now I know.. when you are facing it, it’s not easy. It’s not black and white. Never for a second did I doubt my mom’s love for my brothers. And I hope that nobody doubts mine.

Fast forward a few years, when we first got our little Bean, there was a chance to meet her bio-grandma… The only things I knew about her mom were that her mom was a meth addict and that Bean had a different dad than the other kids, but her mom was still married to the dad of the other kids. And I was clinging to the fact that her mom was a user… When I met her grandma, I expected to see the mom of an addict. And I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong. I met a grandma who could have been my mom or my mother-in-law (they all share the same first name!). She loved her daughter and adored her grandkids. She wanted nothing but the best for them all. And she was making the best choices that she could.

I know that being a foster parent meant automatic judgement. And I am learning that being the parent of a teen who makes stupid choices equals automatic judgement.

What is hard for me, is that I am learning that even the people who I thought knew us, are judging us harshly. And it has really been hurting me. Especially since they have no clue what goes on in our house. They don’t know what consequences our kids have faced. And they haven’t been there with the crisis team. They haven’t been there in the family hugs when we are all hurting so badly.

And I think it’s easier to assume that we must be doing something wrong. I think that if they admit that there is a chance that we aren’t culpable, that they can tell themselves their child will never do anything like that. I think if they can lay blame on something, they can tell themselves that it will never be them. I think that assuming that we aren’t doing our jobs makes it easier to sleep at night. Maybe unconsciously even. I even blame myself at times, surely I have failed at motherhood to have to deal with what we’ve dealt with… And I am sure that there are things that I could have or should have done differently. But, I am also sure that I have done my best. Our family has sought and found resources for mental and behavioral health. We have found a team to support and help our kiddos. And we are just beginning to see progress!

Way back when I was teaching PS-MAPP, I would tell my future foster families that it is so easy to judge the bio-parents. And it is. And it can be easy to hate them. But, if we were judged on our worst day everyday, how would that look? As a teenager, I worked and volunteered, I was a better-than-average student, and I was super involved in my church.. But, I lied to my parents, I drank occasionally, I did all sorts of stupid stuff. And I think that most of us did. Thankfully, we don’t have to wear those bad choices on a shirt every day.

What’s my point? Heck if I know!! I just know that I am hurting. And I know that I don’t deserve that.

With enemies like these, who needs friends?

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If you are my friend, then be my friend. What does that mean to me? Be honest, be kind, be there.

I have been struggling a lot lately. My depression, anxiety and loneliness have taken over my life.

I deactivated my FaceBook account… it just was making me feel worse. I was envious of the lives I was seeing. And I was so sad to have been left out of events.

And it does suck. What hurt the worst, was being excluded. And knowing that was being excluded. I have “friends” who have lied to me or lied by omission. It wasn’t an accident, that can only be blamed once or twice. Nope, it was an active decision. And that sucks.

But, here is the truth. I am not the one who should be sad! I am not the one missing out on *me*. I am loyal and loving and kind and generous. I have a great sense of humor, if you don’t believe me, just listen to me laugh at my own jokes! I can’t cook, but I am crafty and creative. I am always a bit of a mess, but never malicious. I am good to have as a friend. If you missed out and don’t have me as a friend, you are the one who deserves the sympathy.

When I listen to my depression I hear that it’s me.. I am not worthy. I am worthless.

But, I know that’s not true.

And, if you think anything less of me than the fact that I am an awesome human being, you can just keep that shit to yourself and stay away from me.