Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

It’s Really Easy from the Sidelines…

By: comment

When I was younger, my mom was going through some of the same struggles I am now. Literally. She had a teenager who made some of the same or similar choices to my son. There was lying and hiding and even a little drug use. I remember thinking of what I would do that would fix everything. I remember offering to have him live with me.

But, now I know.. when you are facing it, it’s not easy. It’s not black and white. Never for a second did I doubt my mom’s love for my brothers. And I hope that nobody doubts mine.

Fast forward a few years, when we first got our little Bean, there was a chance to meet her bio-grandma… The only things I knew about her mom were that her mom was a meth addict and that Bean had a different dad than the other kids, but her mom was still married to the dad of the other kids. And I was clinging to the fact that her mom was a user… When I met her grandma, I expected to see the mom of an addict. And I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong. I met a grandma who could have been my mom or my mother-in-law (they all share the same first name!). She loved her daughter and adored her grandkids. She wanted nothing but the best for them all. And she was making the best choices that she could.

I know that being a foster parent meant automatic judgement. And I am learning that being the parent of a teen who makes stupid choices equals automatic judgement.

What is hard for me, is that I am learning that even the people who I thought knew us, are judging us harshly. And it has really been hurting me. Especially since they have no clue what goes on in our house. They don’t know what consequences our kids have faced. And they haven’t been there with the crisis team. They haven’t been there in the family hugs when we are all hurting so badly.

And I think it’s easier to assume that we must be doing something wrong. I think that if they admit that there is a chance that we aren’t culpable, that they can tell themselves their child will never do anything like that. I think if they can lay blame on something, they can tell themselves that it will never be them. I think that assuming that we aren’t doing our jobs makes it easier to sleep at night. Maybe unconsciously even. I even blame myself at times, surely I have failed at motherhood to have to deal with what we’ve dealt with… And I am sure that there are things that I could have or should have done differently. But, I am also sure that I have done my best. Our family has sought and found resources for mental and behavioral health. We have found a team to support and help our kiddos. And we are just beginning to see progress!

Way back when I was teaching PS-MAPP, I would tell my future foster families that it is so easy to judge the bio-parents. And it is. And it can be easy to hate them. But, if we were judged on our worst day everyday, how would that look? As a teenager, I worked and volunteered, I was a better-than-average student, and I was super involved in my church.. But, I lied to my parents, I drank occasionally, I did all sorts of stupid stuff. And I think that most of us did. Thankfully, we don’t have to wear those bad choices on a shirt every day.

What’s my point? Heck if I know!! I just know that I am hurting. And I know that I don’t deserve that.

It’s Not All My Fault

By: comment

It has been really, really ugly around here. Thankfully, they take turns, but it feels like one kid is having a complete behavioral meltdown. And, this one has been a doozy!!

And, as a parent, I look inward. I second-guess everything. I ask what I’ve done wrong.. and what I can do better and why am I failing?

But, the truth is… we are doing our best. And this isn’t our fault. Some of it is just kids being kids, some of it is age appropriate (not ok, but “normal”), some of it is because the world is changing *really* fast and teens (and their parents) are still trying to catch up with technology and new social norms.

And, with our kids, that’s not all. Our kids have their genetic makeup–one that we don’t really know. And they have been through trauma. Even in the very best of all foster/adoptive situations, there is trauma. And, foster care, leaves an imprint.. Here are some stagering statistics:

  • 40-50% of former foster children end up homless within 18 months of leaving care (I am not sure, but I am hoping/assuming that this is based on kiddos that aged out of the system)
  • 25% of foster youths will be incarcerated within 2 years of emancipation
  • Former foster youths suffer from PTSD at a rate of 6 times the general population and double the rate of veterans returning from war
  • Eight of ten (81 percent) males have been arrested compared to 17 percent of their peers who were not in foster care
  • Adolescents who were in foster care are nearly four times as likely as to have attempted suicide as their peers
  • Persons with a history of foster care are diagnosed at a significantly higher rate than the general population with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder, and Antisocial Personality
  • A variety of studies reported that 30 to 40 percent of foster children have been arrested since they exited foster care. Over one-fourth have spent at least one night in jail and over 15 percent had been convicted of a crime. This compares with only 3.2 percent of the general population who were on probation, in jail, or on parole in 2005

I don’t like to focus on this much… And it’s easy for people to dismiss with our kiddos–our kids came to us relatively young and they have a stable home and family. But, it’s there. Don’t believe me? Want to learn more?

http://www.fostercare2.org/ask-the-pros-2/

https://chronicleofsocialchange.org/featured/suicide-and-the-foster-child

https://adoptioninchildtime.org/bondingbook/striking-back-in-anger-delinquency-and-crime-in-foster-children

And, honestly, I would love to say that I spent hours combing through info to find this, but I didn’t. This was a five minute search to see what I could find.

So, before you judge, just realize that some things are not because of poor parenting.

Whatever you do, don’t ask Google

By: comment

Have you ever felt miserable and googled your symptoms? Ever done a Web MD search? Did you find out that you probably have cancer and the type of cancer that you have is likely fatal?

It’s the same for criminal stuff. If you love someone who is facing charges, don’t Google. You just don’t want to know. Navigating the courts is scary, but, in this case, I think that it’s scarier knowing the possible outcoms.

In other news, parenting teenagers continues to be challenging. It is unlike anything that I ever imagined. I thought that navigating the foster care world would be the hardest thing we ever had to do as parents. And, it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t know. I would have missed out on the amazing days. The days with smiles and hugs and laughs. The pride of seeing them succeed. I wouldn’t wish our recent experiences on my worst enemy & I wouldn’t trade my kids for all of the money in the world.

With enemies like these, who needs friends?

By: 1 Comment

If you are my friend, then be my friend. What does that mean to me? Be honest, be kind, be there.

I have been struggling a lot lately. My depression, anxiety and loneliness have taken over my life.

I deactivated my FaceBook account… it just was making me feel worse. I was envious of the lives I was seeing. And I was so sad to have been left out of events.

And it does suck. What hurt the worst, was being excluded. And knowing that was being excluded. I have “friends” who have lied to me or lied by omission. It wasn’t an accident, that can only be blamed once or twice. Nope, it was an active decision. And that sucks.

But, here is the truth. I am not the one who should be sad! I am not the one missing out on *me*. I am loyal and loving and kind and generous. I have a great sense of humor, if you don’t believe me, just listen to me laugh at my own jokes! I can’t cook, but I am crafty and creative. I am always a bit of a mess, but never malicious. I am good to have as a friend. If you missed out and don’t have me as a friend, you are the one who deserves the sympathy.

When I listen to my depression I hear that it’s me.. I am not worthy. I am worthless.

But, I know that’s not true.

And, if you think anything less of me than the fact that I am an awesome human being, you can just keep that shit to yourself and stay away from me.

If it’s easy, you’re doing it wrong

By: comment

Now that we have been parenting teens for a few years, I can tell you that it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I used to ride a bicycle and I remember being told that the hardest hill is the one that you’re on. And that is true for parenting, 100%! When we didn’t sleep more than a two hours at a time and my days were full of diapers and crying, that was hard. When there were days that I cleaned up puke or urine or poop or sometimes all three, that was hard. When there was a toddler crying pretty much non-stop (usually not just one, they took turns!) it was hard. But, teenagers.. well, I know that it’s the hill we are on, but I also know that it’s a really massive hill.

The stakes are so very high! Adulthood is right around the corner. And they need to grow and learn and explore. They need to be more independent, but… but! Those are my babies. And they are still making mistakes. And the mistakes, with my boys, have been massive–and dangerous and scary. What’s worse? I still have two kiddos to go, I have two that haven’t even hit the teen years.

The hardest part is the same thing that challenged us when they were little. There is no answer book. We are feeling our way around in the dark. Thankfully, we have lots of resources. We have support from professionals. And we don’t have any ego about this crap. We are open to new ideas. And we are trying our hardest.

Yesterday was a massive slap in the face… One of ours is just making bad choices. I don’t know if it’s our fault. I don’t know if he has control over these decisions (we have learned, in our years as parents, that often they don’t even know “why” they do stuff). But, I do know that it’s hard. And I know that we won’t give up.

 

I did it!!

By: comment

Not that there was ever a doubt, but I finished another half marathon.

I will say, however, that it was not an easy run. I had phone issues. I ended up running about half of the race in silence. Yuck! I also had some wardrobe issues. I just couldn’t get things adjusted right. And, this is TMI, but I also had some tummy issues. I had to stop twice and wait for a port-a-potty.

But, I am grateful that I have the privilege of a bad run. And I am lucky that this bad run was one in a whole lot of good runs.

Life is good!

 

IMG_7104 IMG_7105 IMG_7109

Do I look fast..?

By: comment

Hey party people! I have been rocking at the gym. I have made it to the gym at least four times a week since the year started! And I have peppered a few runs in the middle as well.

Saturday I run my next half marathon.. Trying to decide what I should wear. And, now I am an ambassador for Skirt Sports. So, I have a couple new, adorable skirts to pick from.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you think??IMG_7064 IMG_7063 IMG_7097

 

And, if you need your own skirt to love, I have a discount code for you! Hit me up!

I need help!

By: comment

I am sure everyone who really *knows* me already knows that.

But, I am asking you.. The great masses (as if anyone reads this!), please, know that I am fighting. And I would love you to have my back. I have really been having a rough go as far as my diet since about October. I am someone who is going to be battling food addiction and my weight and my diet for my entire life. But, lately it’s been bad.

Tomorrow, I am heading to the gym to get weighed and measured and get a diet plan. And I would love some support. Check in on me, call me out on the junk I am eating, let me know I am not alone. I need to make the choice again to be good to myself, but being bad feels so good. So, please, help!

Happy Holidays

By: comment

img_3255-1

Christmas 2015

img_5515

Cruising away October 2016

img_6163

Christmas 2016

I can hardly believe it’s nearly Christmas. And I have so many things to do! I should be wrapping or cleaning or cooking or something. But, I wanted to sit down for a bit. Well, to be honest, I was eating and to eat I sat down and I sat down in front of the computer. And, as we all know, once you sit down it can be really, really, really hard to get back moving.

Anyhow, while I embrace the lazy for a second, I also give myself to think about the past year. And it has flown by! There were some massive hurdles this year.. parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart! And there have been some massive successes–one of those teenagers has stayed out of trouble for months now!

One of the little guys I used to watch has grown so big that he no longer needs a baby sitter and has moved onto preschool. And my other little dude just became a big brother!

My youngest two are growing like weeds and my teens are my height (& maybe even taller). They all are beautiful (I assure you it’s true, not just the mommy goggles!). And they have these amazing personalities that are so fun to watch.

I keep seeing all over social media how awful 2016 has been and how ready my friends are for it to be over. But, I don’t want anything to rush! I want time to slow down! Maybe even on those really horrible days… Then maybe we can appreciate the good a little more.

Anyhow, the laundry and wrapping and cleaning calls.

Merry Christmas!

Yes, we are alive…

By: comment

And, I am enjoying the fact that I am only working 2 days a week and the kids are all in school!

I am working out. Dad is working about 15 different jobs. D is working out on the football field. V is working on my last nerve. And B is working on her splits.

Hopefully I will post more soon!