Today Might Just Be the Day...

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

Climbing

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When I was younger, I was a peer counselor… It was a really cool program that was never used. But, it did mean that I got some really cool training.

We learned how to empathize and how to mirror to our peers. I remember one day we were learning about depression.. They said it was like a deep hole.. that we slowly were going into. And, it would get worse over time, but it really wouldn’t feel as bad as when the person tried to get back out. The wall at the end of the pit that needed to be mounted to get out and back to “normal” is overwhelming, and steep, and can feel helpless.

That was the worst part of depression. Or, at least that’s what I was taught.

I remind myself of that when it feels really, really bad that it is me trying to climb. It’s me seeing the hole that I am in.

I went back to the gym yesterday. First time in a really long time! And it felt good.

Dear Bio Mom

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So, our oldest asked about his biological family recently. We have worked hard to keep a connection for him & his siblings. We have a family tree and photos. We have shown them all of the photos. And we have kept every single letter for them. We know that genetics matter and history matters. But, he is not in a good place. He decided to run away when he didn’t like the rules… no drugs, no vaping, go to school. Needless to say, he is self medicating with pot and other substances. He has decided to let his mental health issues go untreated. And he is an adult. We cannot keep him locked up. We have done every.single.thing in our power to love and support him. And we continue to hope that he will come around, come back home, and progress to adulthood with a high school diploma.

Anyhow, he is in a rough space mentally, emotionally & physically. And he is communicating with his biological family for the first time since he was 4 years old.

And, he has welcomed them with open arms. And it scares me to death! So, here is what I would love to say to her/them.

 

Dear Bio Mom & family,

 

I hope you are enjoying talking with your son. His kind heart and his generous soul are amazing. I hope you don’t take advantage of them and hurt them like you have in the past.

The other day you said something about how us giving him a new name was making you mad… How you only were able to give them names & lives. I promise, we didn’t mean to hurt you by changing their names. We were welcoming them into our lives. We were bonding with them… when I got married, I took my husband’s name… and when we adopted, we shared that name with them as well.

BUT, you didn’t just give birth and a name. You gave trauma… The trauma of being abused and neglected and passed from family member to family member. You gave them genetics… genetics that we are learning include some heavy duty mental illness stuff. And, you gave them the lasting affects of whatever you inhaled or drank while you were carrying them. I have no clue what else you gave them, but I do know there are some scars we cannot explain.

AND, you were allowed to give them everything! You were given chance after chance. Three years with each case… Plenty of time to find a job and a safe place for them.

Now, you are getting another chance. You are getting a chance to step up and apologize for what you did. You are getting a chance to jump in and help.. and he needs help! You could be encouraging him to return to high school. You could tell him that saving his money for his bills is a better priority than a tattoo. You could tell him about your history with the law and the legal system & encourage him to stop some of the dangerous & illegal things he is doing now. You could give him the gift of honesty. Let him know that you haven’t parented all of his siblings either. Tell him the truth about where they are. You could stop referring to your husband as his step-father. Because he is not his step-father. He is a stranger who is married to his biological mom. His mom is married to his dad & we both love him very much.

Feel free to jump in and love him. He needs it! Feel free to help him and guide him. But, no matter what you say to him… you will always be biological mom. I have the sleepless nights, the panic and worry, I have the years of school and friends and girlfriends. I was the one at his practices and games. I was the one who got the call when he was hurt. I was the one that he cried to when you let him down again and again. I am the one on his birth certificate. I am mom.

 

 

 

Or, what I really said…

 

Dear Bio-Family,

 

I hear that you have been connecting with D. I hope that he is getting all of his questions answered. And I hope you are enjoying getting to know him. He is an awesome kid.

I do have a couple favors to ask though… First, he has really been struggling lately. Before COVID hit, he was on track to graduate on time, but now he has dropped out of High School. We would love it if you would share with him the importance of an education. Second, I would appreciate you not speaking poorly of us. We weren’t perfect parents, but we have done our best and given your boys all of our love and attention.

We all hope to see him as a healthy, happy, successful adult. And, hopefully you can help him.

 

Thanks,

 

His Mom

Adultish

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Haven’t really shared with many in real life… You know, since we can’t see anyone in real life right now. Life in the middle of a pandemic is very lonely. And, heck, I don’t know that I have all that many people I talk to when we aren’t in forced seclusion. AND, I highly doubt anyone will see this or read this anyhow. So, I guess this just gives me a chance to spill my guts.

Our oldest is now 18. He has been a legal adult for a month and a half. In that time, he has been working and was going to school. School is closed now though and, even though his was already online, he decided not to do his work. And, I called him on it. I was really mad and I woke him up to tell him so… Then he moved out.

Calling it moving out is soooo wrong though! He didn’t move. He isn’t living anywhere. All of his junk is still here. He is just sleeping on his girlfriend’s couch.

I think that someone is really an adult when they pay all of their own bills. He isn’t paying any of them. He isn’t even helping.

There are so many things that I think and feel about all of this. But, I don’t know if they are right or normal or stupid.

And, the tears have started again… so, I think I will go back to drinking wine and ignoring the fact that a huge chunk of me is out there in the world.

More things change, the more they stay the same…

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I feel like we are just spinning our wheels… Life is flying by. We are so busy. But, so much of it just ends up being “busy” not things that are adding to our lives.

I actually had more time off this week than I have in a *really* long time! And it was really nice. But, I don’t know if I took advantage. I don’t know if I used my time wisely. I don’t know.

I also have been having good days here & there as far as my mental health. I feel like I have had a few really good days. But, I also feel like I am still right on the edge. One comment here or there can unravel my entire day. Sometimes it’s even just a thought that sends me spinning. I plan on going to my doctor soon… I think it’s time to adjust my medications. I also need to get back to working out. There are so many excuses for me not to, but I know it helps.

I have not gone to the gym, but I did run yesterday. I honest to God, ran! I haven’t gone faster than a walk in ages. I didn’t run straight through or anything, but I did push myself.

Updates

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Without going into detail, V’s working his way out of the trouble he got himself into. It’s hard though. He’s still a 12 year old. He still grumbles about work. He still tries to talk to everyone at school. And, when you are in *big* trouble, all of the little stuff is more noticeable. My struggle is knowing how hard to be on him for the little stuff.

D is back to work… He returned to his old job. He is such a hard worker, but couldn’t get any interviews when he was looking elsewhere.

And my little D is doing well. He was on honor roll last quarter and has a nice new girlfriend. He is learning quickly about how expensive things are.. and he, too, has been looking for a job, but has also had no luck.

My little beanie is doing well. She is a little behind in school. She has always been a little behind academically. We are asking, once again, for the school to test her for any learning disabilities. She wasn’t behind enough to warrant testing in the past. And that’s rough. Do we really need to wait for our kids to fail before we find out if we can help them? Anyhow, she has started Kumon, too. She isn’t a big fan, but, as always, she does her best.

B is working. All.the.time! Thankfully, there’s not travel for a couple weekends.

Me? Well, I don’t know. I think I am back to “normal” (whatever that means). I am still pretty high stress and the littlest thing can cause a panic attack. But, there aren’t daily tears. And I am able to get what needs to be done done. I have also gotten out and walked quite a bit lately. I still haven’t made a return to the gym. And I need to. I know that working out will help, but it also takes time & effort & energy. And, those have been in short supply lately.

School’s Out

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Most of our kiddos are on a modified-year-round school calendar. It’s really nice.. basically, it means that Summer is a little shorter, but Fall & Spring breaks are longer. I love it because it’s so stinking hot here that Summer is long enough even at six weeks. And, it gives us time to travel if we would like during the breaks. This year, however, we will be home for the break. D is still in class most of the time, he does have a couple days off, and B is working a lot, as am I. So, we will try to sneak in fun. Yesterday fun = an afternoon movie & using our Pogo Passes for free Glow Golf. Today, we are heading back to the movies.

I feel bad because my kiddos are stuck helping me when they are home. But, I sort of don’t… Caring for others is so good for them! They get to have a little one who thinks they are the coolest kid ever. And they get to learn a little patience… putting shoes on a three year old is harder than they think! And, probably my favorite thing, it forces them to unplug and play! V & B love making forts & the littles love playing in forts. They create games and scenarios that the littles don’t even start to understand, but everyone is having fun and laughing.

It’s raining a ton here. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t cause any serious flooding. The park by our house is already about halfway full.

 

You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you…

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Or in this case, blog.

Things are really calm in our house right now. There’s no big crisis. Mental health services are in place & other services are coming into place as planned. Classes are going ok–more than ok for our Davey! And my weekend away was just what I needed to be recharged and ready for another busy week. B gets next weekend off, and he is being called more and more for engineering jobs—signs that he’s rocking the jobs he’s doing.

It’s good.

But, Brian and I are still grieving the loss of several friendships and the changing of others. I think it’s totally normal & appropriate, but, just like with other loss, there’s no handbook. We were discussing my blog posts and my FB post… He was a little concerned that the wrong people would take it personally. But, it was *all* personal! It was my feelings and emotions. It was days and days of tears being poured out into words. And I can’t say that I am sorry. I have loads of friends who haven’t said a word about what’s going on with my boys… I know tons of people who have seen us hurting. And, there have been several who have really been there. There are women I can text and know that they will understand. And I am so grateful for that! Those friendships will last a lifetime.

But, there are those who have just taken a step back. Some because of fear, some because they don’t know what to say, some because they are just wrapped up in their own stuff. And that is ok. There’s no need for guilt for that… I totally get not knowing the right thing to do or say.. I understand that this stuff can be scary. (I don’t know what do to or say and it often scares the crap out of me!!) But, I guess my feelings are a good reminder. A reminder for me, especially! A reminder that people have so many burdens. A reminder that being a friend means just letting people know you are there. A reminder that I have friends who want to be there, but I just haven’t opened up to the right people at the right time. A reminder that there are so many, many struggles! A reminder that sometimes other people really, really need you–even if they don’t say.

The song, “But for the grace of God go I” is still a refrain that is sticking. The song is a love story, but, to me, it’s a reminder that despite the bad days, there are so many good ones! A reminder that I have my kiddos to hug and hold. A reminder that there is progress, if not perfection. A reminder that it could be so, so much worse.

I hope that this finds you at peace. I hope it reminds you that you are loved. I hope it reminds you that I am here if you need someone. I hope that it may bring you hope if hope is what you need.

Here, I am feeling some hope… Hope that was missing for some time. And I am feeling loved. And I am working on feeling at peace.

 

 

But, wait! There’s More!

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Warning, this post may very well read like a commercial for Pogo Pass. But, in the middle I hope you like seeing my kiddos & I during our adventures in Tucson this weekend.

With B traveling so much, it’s been me and the kids solo for way too much time! And I think we may all be a little annoyed with each other. I also am a little tired of being the taxi driver for all teenage events–there are an awful lot of them these days & they always go past my bedtime! I also am more than a little of the crazy trouble my boys have found. And I, obviously, am done with friend drama. So, I decided, very last minute, that if Brian was going to be gone, we should be, too!

We found an awesome deal on a hotel in Tucson, and with Ebates, we are getting 7% back, too! And we have our awesome Pogo Passes, so we managed quite the adventure fairly affordably. I am afraid we still spent faster than B could earn, but not by too much.

Friday we drove down and enjoyed a quick night swim and a game of Uno. The kids were willing to put away all electronics for the night, and I don’t think they even missed them too much.

They would only let me take a photo if they got to do a silly one, too.. Somethings don’t change as they get older!

The next day we were up early to head to Oracle, AZ. Growing up in Iowa, I feel like I know *nothing* about Arizona–even though I have lived here longer than anywhere else. It was fun exploring our backyard. We went to Oracle State Park to hike in the morning. We enjoyed spotting all sorts of cacti & bugs. We also saw a couple rabbits & a few lizards.

Then we went in search of food. We managed to find the 1 restaurant in all of the United States that is closed on Saturdays. And then we found another that was open, but I think I missed the boat on this one. My food was amazing, but it was a little too fancy for the kids.

After lunch we headed to Arizona Zipline Adventures.

(Here is where I will insert the commercial for Pogo Pass! Nana & Papa have given our family these passes the last few years for Christmas and we love them! They say that they are usually $100, but I have always seen them for around $40. And they do fundraisers for schools and a referral program.. if you use my link I get $5 credit for next year. The Pogo Pass is sort of like having a membership for a bunch of places.. We easily get way more than is paid by using the passes to go to Tempe Paintball (one free trip a month!). And every summer we go to Sunsplash with our passes (that day alone is almost the full price of the Pogo Pass), plus it gets us into a couple Diamondbacks games, the Zoo, the IDEA Museum.. And, in Tucson, our passes gave us a discount on a zipline pass, free laser tag, & entry to the International Wildlife Museum! I totally think these are a smoking deal!)

At Arizona Zipline Adventures, the boys did a 2 hour zipline tour. It was so cool! Bean firmly passed on this one so I opted to stay grounded with her, but given the chance, I would totally do the zipline in the future! The guides were friendly and helpful. The scenery was beautiful. And the boys all agreed that it was a lot of fun. With our passes, we got a $25 discount for each person.

On the way back to our hotel we stopped at Eegee’s… Eegee’s is a Tucson institution. This was my first time going, but it’s one of those things I have heard everyone rave about. And, I am fairly certain that I could get lynched for saying this at U of A, but we all just thought it was ok.

I crashed early Saturday night because the sun and the wildlife had done me in.. My allergies were a mess and despite reapplying sunscreen 3 times, I was pink.

Sunday we got up and met Bean’s bio-mom for breakfast. She lives in Tucson and always comes up to see Bean, but we are never in that direction. It was so nice to get to see her! She is always so loving and gracious to all of us.

We didn’t keep score, but if we had, she would have won!

After lunch we headed to Golf N’ Stuff… The boys played laser tag, the girls played mini golf. All of those were paid for with our passes! Then the boys opted for go karts and we played at the arcade before we headed out to the International Wildlife Museum.

I truly had no idea what to expect at the Museum… I knew it was animals, so I was sort of envisioning some sort of zoo. Well, it’s pretty much the complete opposite of a zoo! All of the animals, save a couple insects, are dead and stuffed. But, once we got over the shock, it was really stinking cool. It really gave an interesting perspective… so often we see animals from afar, this gave us a chance to be right next to them!

Can’t believe that I am including this one, but it was the favorite animal of the teenage boys… Sigh!

We ended up heading back to Phoenix after that…

It was a bit of a whirlwind and totally last minute, but I think it was also a raging success. All of the kids said “Thank you” more than a couple times and there were lots of hugs and smiles and cuddles. And, it was a 100% drama free weekend!!

Happy to be home and to have been here to collect B from the airport. I am looking forward to having him home a whole 11 days before he’s off on his next adventure.

Let me know if you have questions about the Pogo Pass, or any of our adventures!

 

Last One

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So, I am having a really hard time letting go of the friend drama… I have a million arguments in my mind about why we are worthy, and why my kids shouldn’t be judged like that and why I don’t deserve that judgement. But, honestly, we all judge. I am among the worst. And I expect to be judged. I warn my kids that they are always going to be judged by their skin color and their wardrobe and their punctuation. I even was telling them about judging people for their cringe-worthy e-mail names on resumes the other day. I don’t think it was the judgement that has been weighing so heavy on my heart. I *get* that. I truly do.

I think the real problem that is breaking my heart is where the judgement is coming from… People who I thought were my friends. I am fairly guarded when talking about our difficulties in parenting (back to that whole knowing that I am being judged thing!). So, if I have told you about what we have faced, it was told because I trusted you. We rarely discuss our choice of consequences outside of these walls. One, because we don’t want to shame our kids and two, because why? So, if you assume you know how we handle things, you should probably stop that. If you’re curious about how we are doing and what sort of progress or problems we are facing, asking would be a good step.

I know that what we have faced as parents is not typical. But, I can assure you that we need what everyone needs.. a shoulder to cry on, someone to share a bottle of wine with, hearing every once in awhile that our efforts are seen.

If you can’t do that, that’s ok. The very least you can do, as a human, is be kind. Don’t talk behind our backs. Don’t make judgments about things you know nothing about. And, if you do, keep those to yourself.

I am still struggling, but it’s been helpful and healthy for me to really put my finger on why this whole thing has had me in tears for weeks. I just thought that we were friends.