Today Might Just Be the Day…

What happens in the daily life of the family.. the drama of foster care, the adventures of parenting, & pictures to share with everyone!

It’s Hard!

June22

One of my favorite little weight loss sayings..

2fbb1e3f6cfe5f2d1078fb2b2d6bafbf

And it is true!

What they left out in there is that maintenance is nearly impossible! I googled a couple years back and the fact is that the deck is stacked against me. Keeping weight off is virtually impossible. A quick search popped up…

I am one of the ones who has failed. I have failed over and over and over again.

But, I also am one of the success stories. I am not at my lowest weight right now. But, I am also not at my highest. A few years back I dropped over 50 pounds. I have kept at least 25 of that off ever since. Right now I am 46 pounds lighter than my heaviest. I am still obese and I am still fighting the battle. But, I have won. And here is a little photographic proof…

I am going to put this up here and leave it for those days that I need a reminder that I am a loser ;)

Before...

Before…

January of this year.

January of this year.

I think/hope that it’s pretty obvious in just my face.

You are Wrong

June21

You may think you have the best dad, you may think you picked the best father for your kids. But, you’re wrong!

I picked best. B and I have our issues. Sometimes we struggle at this thing called marriage. But, there is one thing that we are awesome at. We are amazing parents together. We had no clue when we wed that our biggest strength would be our ability to parent together. And B is even more amazing because he took the leap.. he took the risk of parenting foster kids. I tell people that we took the step to foster for selfish reasons, and that is true. But, I was the one pushing us to that path and B let us go. He was brave enough to parent kids who were hurting and hurt and he did a great job. And he continues to be an amazing dad as we face the new challenges of being parents to teenagers and adolescents.

And I like to think that I was so good at picking because I had such a great role model.

My dad is the best!

I could write a book about why he is the best… I think I will save that for another day. Today I will share one thing. A year or two ago he asked me to talk to him about his legacy. He wanted to know how I will remember him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t speak the words aloud. He means so much to me that thinking of him gone is a little much to talk through. I did write down my thoughts for him.

And my biggest thought was how, even though I am grown, he is still working on being a better father to me.

I am a lucky woman.

Hope you all are enjoying the special men in your lives today, just know that they are not the best in the world. I already have that market cornered.

banddad

So exposed, yet not seen…

June10

With Facebook & Instagram & my whole on-line life I am out in big ways. People across the country & around the world are my “friends” and they are often my biggest connections, most personal relationship, biggest fans.

And I do share a lot of me, this blog has huge chunks of my life story. I have shared my family, my weight losses and gains, my running. 
I have shared some of my personal struggles with depression and anxiety. I have shared some of the struggles of parenting.

But, there are some things I cannot put out there. Some of the things I am dealing with are too big and too raw and too scary to share. And that means that I traverse those alone.

May1

Feeling very alone today.

Too many thoughts and feelings tumbling around. Not ready to share, but it feels too big to carry.

So, I have been eating my feels.

And that brings more–shame, pain, embarrassment, regret, loathing.

Still going…

April12

After my full marathon, I was in pain. If I am being honest, that race took away a lot of my passion for running. I have stuck with it, but none of my races have been great. My times have been slower. *And*, I have been packing on the pounds. I gained about 20 pounds during training. And I have added another 20 since then.

Being heavier makes running so much harder.

Anyhow, being fatter and slower still hasn’t stopped me from at least trying.

Today I ran another half marathon.. I think it was #10?

No records were broken.

But, I wasn’t either!

This course was hilly and involved gravel & lots of dog poop. But, I didn’t let it beat me.

I ran that race.

I rocked that race.

Tomorrow, I start watching my diet again. This will be restart 283 or so. But, at least I am trying.

My next half is already planned.. I have a good 6 months to get a few pounds off and pound a lot of pavement.

12 Years a Wife

March29

Maybe I should change that title… Eh, anyone who knows me knows I love my role as wife!

Today B and I celebrate 12 years of wedded bliss. A dozen years as partners, a team, a couple.

And here is one shot from mostĀ of those years:

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

DSC05469

adoption party 030

Amanda's Family ) 043

Dubose_adoption086

188

069

iphone 513

225

 

 

As I have been going through these, it’s amazing how much our lives have changed! It’s also funny how technology changed.. We were wed back in the dark ages & my wedding photos are all photos, no digital! I own the negatives though :) (That used to be important!) And looking for shots from this year, I don’t have any.. Or, rather, I don’t have any on this computer at this point. They’re all hiding in my phone or on the cloud.

What has not changed–I love him, he loves me, we were made to be together.

 

Love you, Baby-Baby!

(null)

posted under love | No Comments »

Blood, Sweat & Tears

March27

You all know that I run. And, if you have met me in real life, or seen me run, you know that I am s-l-o-w. There were a few brief moments over the past few years that I wasn’t so slow, but then I have promptly returned to my turtle pace.

I love half marathons… They’re far enough to be a real challenge, but short enough that training doesn’t have to take over my entire life. And I can usually walk the next day :)

But, at my speed, half marathons are a grind. They just take a long time. And it’s tough.

In a couple of weeks I will run my next half. I anticipate a time around 3 hours. Yep, 3 hours. Three hours of moving my body, pushing it, grinding out 13.1 miles. Today I was given the gift of a day off. The little dude I watch didn’t need me so I decided to sneak in my long run for the week. I did a 10 mile run. It took me about 2.5 hours.

Historically, if I run over 10 miles there are tears involved… Sometimes there’s a full-on mental breakdown and sobbing even (darn the 26.2 distance!). Usually, they’re happy tears. Almost always they come from thinking about my life. I am a very lucky girl. I start thinking about how amazing it is that this chunky middle-aged mom of 4 can accomplish pushing herself this far.. I think about how often I have doubted myself and cry because there was no need.

But, what really gets the tears flowing is my husband.

During my training, he puts up with me talking non-stop about training.

He does give me a hard time about the race fees, but he is the one earning the money that pays for the races.

He, thankfully, seems to turn a blind eye to the stacks of running clothes and new shoes that magically appear.

He doesn’t get disgusted by my missing toe nails or the weird chaffing issues–at least if he does he hides it well.

And, more importantly, he believes in me. Many times I have sent a text message to him during those long miles. I tell him the truth about how I feel and share my doubt. He never flinches. He always has an encouraging word. He has my back. Today, at mile 8, I was fairly certain I couldn’t run anymore. I decided I would walk and I would complete the distance, but I wouldn’t speed up. I sent him a text. He responded with encouragement and the idea of changing up my music. And it was just what I needed. I think that those last 2 miles were faster than the 2 before. I cranked up some rap and sang along (you can be glad you didn’t have to bear witness to this sight!). And I could almost feel him here with me.

And, yes, I did cry.

I have a wonderful husband.

 

Endings

March26

One of the oddest things I learned in college was that I could pick my friends.

It still doesn’t feel quite right to not be a friend to everyone. But, it’s ok to be friendly & chose not to spend more time/energy than that.

The worst (hardest?) is when you realize you’ve given too much to someone not worthy.. Not worthy of your time, love, you. It is so hard to walk away from that investment. It means that you misjudged. It means that they aren’t who you thought they were. It means they didn’t value you.

And that stings.

I am not good at it.

I am not good at quitting relationships.

I feel guilty.

But, the truth is that I am worthy. I deserve to be around people who value and love me. And that’s ok.

Once again

February10

I feel so weak and powerless.

But, once again, I am grieving for a child that will never be.

It *must* be a silent suffering… How could I feel this sad when I have been given so much to be happy for? How dare I love my children with less than all of me…?

But, still I mourn the fact that I will never get to know a child before he is born. I will never look at a baby and see parts of me looking back. And it does hurt.

2015

February10

So much has happened, but most of it has just been life… The normal busy stuff. The normal day to day, kids, work, friends, sports, school, scouts…

There are huge changes looming on the horizon for us, but nothing that is clear or ready for the masses.

But, we have already started taking on 2015. I ran another half marathon, not quickly! Beanie is days away from cookie season. V & D both have birthdays next week & Dan is already up to his old (bad!) habits at school.

And I, too, am up to my bad habits… I started this post weeks ago & forgot all about it.

In fact, just now I went to get a straw. Seeing the drawer so cluttered, I found 15 things to either toss or donate. Once the crap was out of the way, I saw how dirty the actual drawer was & had to clean that. Ten minutes to grab a straw! That is how my days have been going lately!

« Older Entries