FakeBook

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The other day I walked up on a conversation about Facebook.. Really, about how fake we all are in our on-line personalities. And I am, too. Even on here, I guard myself. I try to protect myself and my kids and my husband. I only share bits and pieces. And what I do share tends to be the good, the pretty. Even when I share my struggles, I carefully craft my thoughts. I don’t share the whole story.

And I think there’s some good in that. This blog will likely remain down the road. There’s a (small) chance that my kids will read it. There’s a bigger chance that my parents or husband will read this and could be hurt by something that I say.

However, I started this way back when… when we were in the thick of foster care. And I started it to connect with other people who were foster parents or were considering fostering.

And now I write to connect still.

How can I connect if what I share isn’t real?

I think what I do share is real, but it’s still less than the whole truth.

So, I’m sorry about that.

I hope that if anyone reads this they break free from the fake a little bit… I want to know the real you.

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Pay Up

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I am annoyed.

The husband would say that I am always annoyed. And there may be some truth to that.

However, he did agree with me last night.

My current annoyance? Slactivism! If you ever are on the interwebs you have encountered slactivism… It’s the thousands of stupid share of causes and gofundme accounts. It’s the false outrage over something that *literally* had never been discussed by a poster before. It’s the stupid petitions.

Everyone is talking about this lion that died.

And it’s sad.

But, it’s nothing compared to the real problems in the world. Compared to a person being hurt, hunted, killed.. A lion shouldn’t be worth your outrage.

Actually, let me take that back. Go ahead and have a little passion. Go ahead and get angry. Go ahead and rant and share. BUT, then you *must* do more! 

I have a proposal. If you want to care about something I propose that you actually care. I think before you share your cause you should put some skin in the game. You love a politician enough to post about him or her? Before you do, pitch in a little to their campaign or donate some of your time or donate to a cause they stand behind. You want to complain about how little teachers earn? Go ahead! As soon as you donate a little extra. If you are a teacher, then share some resources with your kids’ teachers. Or, write to your local politicians and ask to have property taxes a little higher.

If you want to care about this lion, you may. If you want to post about it, I ask you to donate to some wildlife preservation causes.. 
Originally I was thinking $5 would be a great per post donation requirement. Now I think we could go much lower.. Even a quarter!

I am so tired of everyone having their fake causes. And they are so very fake. Posting about abused dogs and doing nothing in real life is an insult to the dogs you claim to care about.

Go ahead and feel. And then finally do something!

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The Positive Side

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adoption-party-073Teaching the class I taught to future foster/adoptive parents, there was one common complaint among my students. Class after class they would tell us that we were too negative. We only shared the hardships of fostering. We only shared the horror stories.adoption-party-030

Now, even though we are no longer fostering, I still try to keep connected to foster and adoptive parents.

And, honestly, so very much of what they share is their hardships, their struggles… It’s hard work. It’s life in the trenches.

I spend a lot of my time still fighting the affects of early childhood trauma. Even though we closed our license years ago, and we are a forever family, those scars remain. More than that, some of the wounds haven’t even healed!

But, today is not the day to dwell on that. Today is a day to celebrate!

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A few months after they moved in with us

The reason we never shared the good in being a foster parent… It’s because it doesn’t need to be spoken. It’s obvious. From the first second you even think about fostering, you can already picture the child you will love. The instant you meet them, you fall in love. The good is so abundant.

Today is the day that our family became a forever family.

After three years in the system our boys were finally ours!

They are the good.

So hard to imagine life without them.. How did we survive before?

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It’s Hard!

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One of my favorite little weight loss sayings..

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And it is true!

What they left out in there is that maintenance is nearly impossible! I googled a couple years back and the fact is that the deck is stacked against me. Keeping weight off is virtually impossible. A quick search popped up…

I am one of the ones who has failed. I have failed over and over and over again.

But, I also am one of the success stories. I am not at my lowest weight right now. But, I am also not at my highest. A few years back I dropped over 50 pounds. I have kept at least 25 of that off ever since. Right now I am 46 pounds lighter than my heaviest. I am still obese and I am still fighting the battle. But, I have won. And here is a little photographic proof…

I am going to put this up here and leave it for those days that I need a reminder that I am a loser 😉

Before...

Before…

January of this year.

January of this year.

I think/hope that it’s pretty obvious in just my face.

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You are Wrong

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You may think you have the best dad, you may think you picked the best father for your kids. But, you’re wrong!

I picked best. B and I have our issues. Sometimes we struggle at this thing called marriage. But, there is one thing that we are awesome at. We are amazing parents together. We had no clue when we wed that our biggest strength would be our ability to parent together. And B is even more amazing because he took the leap.. he took the risk of parenting foster kids. I tell people that we took the step to foster for selfish reasons, and that is true. But, I was the one pushing us to that path and B let us go. He was brave enough to parent kids who were hurting and hurt and he did a great job. And he continues to be an amazing dad as we face the new challenges of being parents to teenagers and adolescents.

And I like to think that I was so good at picking because I had such a great role model.

My dad is the best!

I could write a book about why he is the best… I think I will save that for another day. Today I will share one thing. A year or two ago he asked me to talk to him about his legacy. He wanted to know how I will remember him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t speak the words aloud. He means so much to me that thinking of him gone is a little much to talk through. I did write down my thoughts for him.

And my biggest thought was how, even though I am grown, he is still working on being a better father to me.

I am a lucky woman.

Hope you all are enjoying the special men in your lives today, just know that they are not the best in the world. I already have that market cornered.

banddad

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So exposed, yet not seen…

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With Facebook & Instagram & my whole on-line life I am out in big ways. People across the country & around the world are my “friends” and they are often my biggest connections, most personal relationship, biggest fans.

And I do share a lot of me, this blog has huge chunks of my life story. I have shared my family, my weight losses and gains, my running. 
I have shared some of my personal struggles with depression and anxiety. I have shared some of the struggles of parenting.

But, there are some things I cannot put out there. Some of the things I am dealing with are too big and too raw and too scary to share. And that means that I traverse those alone.

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Feeling very alone today.

Too many thoughts and feelings tumbling around. Not ready to share, but it feels too big to carry.

So, I have been eating my feels.

And that brings more–shame, pain, embarrassment, regret, loathing.

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http://www.momtomany.net/?p=1940

Still going…

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After my full marathon, I was in pain. If I am being honest, that race took away a lot of my passion for running. I have stuck with it, but none of my races have been great. My times have been slower. *And*, I have been packing on the pounds. I gained about 20 pounds during training. And I have added another 20 since then.

Being heavier makes running so much harder.

Anyhow, being fatter and slower still hasn’t stopped me from at least trying.

Today I ran another half marathon.. I think it was #10?

No records were broken.

But, I wasn’t either!

This course was hilly and involved gravel & lots of dog poop. But, I didn’t let it beat me.

I ran that race.

I rocked that race.

Tomorrow, I start watching my diet again. This will be restart 283 or so. But, at least I am trying.

My next half is already planned.. I have a good 6 months to get a few pounds off and pound a lot of pavement.

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12 Years a Wife

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Maybe I should change that title… Eh, anyone who knows me knows I love my role as wife!

Today B and I celebrate 12 years of wedded bliss. A dozen years as partners, a team, a couple.

And here is one shot from most of those years:

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As I have been going through these, it’s amazing how much our lives have changed! It’s also funny how technology changed.. We were wed back in the dark ages & my wedding photos are all photos, no digital! I own the negatives though :) (That used to be important!) And looking for shots from this year, I don’t have any.. Or, rather, I don’t have any on this computer at this point. They’re all hiding in my phone or on the cloud.

What has not changed–I love him, he loves me, we were made to be together.

 

Love you, Baby-Baby!

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Blood, Sweat & Tears

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You all know that I run. And, if you have met me in real life, or seen me run, you know that I am s-l-o-w. There were a few brief moments over the past few years that I wasn’t so slow, but then I have promptly returned to my turtle pace.

I love half marathons… They’re far enough to be a real challenge, but short enough that training doesn’t have to take over my entire life. And I can usually walk the next day :)

But, at my speed, half marathons are a grind. They just take a long time. And it’s tough.

In a couple of weeks I will run my next half. I anticipate a time around 3 hours. Yep, 3 hours. Three hours of moving my body, pushing it, grinding out 13.1 miles. Today I was given the gift of a day off. The little dude I watch didn’t need me so I decided to sneak in my long run for the week. I did a 10 mile run. It took me about 2.5 hours.

Historically, if I run over 10 miles there are tears involved… Sometimes there’s a full-on mental breakdown and sobbing even (darn the 26.2 distance!). Usually, they’re happy tears. Almost always they come from thinking about my life. I am a very lucky girl. I start thinking about how amazing it is that this chunky middle-aged mom of 4 can accomplish pushing herself this far.. I think about how often I have doubted myself and cry because there was no need.

But, what really gets the tears flowing is my husband.

During my training, he puts up with me talking non-stop about training.

He does give me a hard time about the race fees, but he is the one earning the money that pays for the races.

He, thankfully, seems to turn a blind eye to the stacks of running clothes and new shoes that magically appear.

He doesn’t get disgusted by my missing toe nails or the weird chaffing issues–at least if he does he hides it well.

And, more importantly, he believes in me. Many times I have sent a text message to him during those long miles. I tell him the truth about how I feel and share my doubt. He never flinches. He always has an encouraging word. He has my back. Today, at mile 8, I was fairly certain I couldn’t run anymore. I decided I would walk and I would complete the distance, but I wouldn’t speed up. I sent him a text. He responded with encouragement and the idea of changing up my music. And it was just what I needed. I think that those last 2 miles were faster than the 2 before. I cranked up some rap and sang along (you can be glad you didn’t have to bear witness to this sight!). And I could almost feel him here with me.

And, yes, I did cry.

I have a wonderful husband.

 

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