(Obviously, this is not at the right time of year.. And, I am guessing, I won’t be interrupted by applause that lasts minutes on end. But, it’s been awhile. And, school just started and I just had a birthday. So, here we go.)
As I sit here, two of the kids are at school. One still has a few weeks until he starts and the other is done with his online classes for today. B is working, but he now is working from home full time–other than the times that his work needs him to be elsewhere or travel. And I am sitting down with Penny.
The house itself is calm.. All of the repairs are done to the water damage that we had that sidelined us for nearly all of January and February. And, fingers crossed, B thinks he can fix the washer that decided to quit draining yesterday. Last year was like that with everything… The house needed repairs, our phones died, my car died.. I went to get a hole in a tire fixed and ended up needing new tires. I would get one crisis to calm down and another would pop up. It was an exhausting year. Physically, mentally, financially… it was just plain awful.
But, I am trying to look ahead. I have a few things I am working on. First, I am working with a therapist and psychiatrist on my own mental health. At one point last year, my primary care doctor literally told me he could do nothing more for me as far as my mental health. He’d been helping me for years and I simply exceeded his knowledge. That makes a good joke, but was so very hard to hear. Since then, I have worked hard to find care. And I am trying to make the very best of it.
Along with my mental health, my physical health is paying the toll for the struggles. I am back to my heaviest weight. I had kept 30+ pounds off for about a decade. I am now back to the weight I was when we were in the middle of fostering and infertility struggles. Back then, it was emotional and hormonal weight. This time it is all emotional. In fact, I truly believe that I was in panic mode so much last year that my body has been holding on to all of the weight/fat it can. I spent so much of last year waiting for the next crisis. I gained weight, I lost my memory. I was just barely surviving.
So, looking forward, I am going to take better care of my shell.
Lastly, I am going to be looking outward. Or, at least trying to. All of the crap we have been through is so very isolating. And, my depression tells me that I am not worth sharing. And, frankly, logic does, too, at some points. But, it has left me lonely. I miss the part of me that had friends to see and places to go. And I take all of the blame, I have been locked away. But, I don’t think I can keep that up. I need people. (Yes, please take this as an apology if you were one of the ones I kept at bay..)
Gosh, this turned into more of the State of the Amanda Address…
For the others, there are goals, too. D and d both plan to graduate next year (!!!!). V is hoping to return to typical public school next year. And B is taking on the adventure of junior high. B is working on podcasts and production and some radio engineering on the side.
In politics, this is when I would assure you that my side is doing all of the right things and the other side is so stupid it hurts. However, this is not politics. This is the real world. And I have no clue if we are doing any of the right things. I just know that I am trying.