I sat down the other day & typed the first blog post in a really long time. And I was feeling optimistic. I felt inside that I was ready to move forward.. Ready to take steps towards the healthier, happier version of me.
Then, within an hour of posting, I was a pile of tears. I swear, I am trying. But, I still spend so much of my time in a lonely, ugly place. My depression tells me that I am no good. I am worthless. And I am never going to escape this cycle. It tells me that I will never be happy again. And it is a really loud voice! It won’t shut up. It doesn’t listen to reason.
I have always been able to pull through by just sheer will power. I decide that I will do X and doing it helps me. But, these days, I have a hard time making myself do anything. If I set goals, I just use those failures to push myself back into that mode. If I eat one cookie, I continue eating them until I feel miserable. Then, I hate myself for doing that and end up eating more to soothe my raw emotions.
So, here are a couple accomplishments. I worked out twice last week. And I increased my water intake. And, I shared some of my darkest thoughts with B.
Maybe, I can build on that.